Greetings blog world, good to see you again. I'm not sure who all reads this since I have my page blocked quite well (I hope) so I just will ramble on.
I'm making this entry as I sit upstairs at our rental house in San Antonio. We're here for my cousin Lauren's and Bill's Baby Shower. 13 people staying in one MASSIVE house. I'm quite contemplative at the moment with the past few weekends. 2 baby showers in a row and I have come to terms that they make me uncomfortable. Now, I know that for my sister they make her wayyyyy more uncomfortable than me. But the feeling I get when I'm at them really irks me. Everyone is so lovey dovey and coo-ing, and talking about family and happy lives together. (Same with wedding showers) and I just feel like an outcast. Not because I want what they're celebrating but because I'm not there yet in my life.
The thought of a child terrifies me. Could I do it? yes. Do I want to? No. Having a child means giving up everything for something huge. A selfless sacrifice essentially. If I had a child right now I would hope that I'd do a 100% job at it, but the reason why I can't even consider it, is that I'm not ready to give that up. So yes, I'm selfish.
So that feeling that irks me? -I watch people a lot, keep my thoughts to myself but I do. I take notes and add to the "picture" I have of my life. Things I want that are similar to the ones around me. But then in the back of my mind I see myself as the girl sitting in the chair, texting her best friend, alone. What are other people thinking of me? Granted, if you know me you know that I'm perfectly happy that way, but I struggle with the fact that people might automatically assume that I'm unhappy. I'm not unhappy. Just rearranging my "list". haha
So life now?
-Work is work and that's a whole nother conversation. Last Friday I went out with a couple friends of mine for an old friend's birthday. Ended up having a blast and truly enjoyed reconnecting with them. Granted one lives in DC and the other I hadn't spoken to in months, but nevertheless it was nice.
I find my social life running on auto-pilot, it's a lot of fun but there are times when I want to do something different or something out of the ordinary. Just need to find what that guilty pleasure is.
Anyways, there is my update. Kind of rambling, but yet I always do on here.
Miss you papa,
Em
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