Hello again, everyone. I know my second blog in a week. WATCH OUT!
Once again, I find myself with lots on my mind. BIG things on my mind. Life altering ideas running through my head.
This morning I woke up having had a wonderful dream of PaPa Dale. I miss that man so much. I had walked outside out of a building, and there he was. Standing there just like it was yesterday. He looks up and sees me, and he smiles ear to ear. I run to him, as fast as I can and wrap my arms around his neck. It's my adult mind, but physically I'm 8 year old Emily. He's 80 year old Papa also. I sit here almost sobbing because it felt so real. I miss his wisdom, his conviction to let me know that I'm always doing the right thing, even through my mistakes. I wish he could be sitting here, across the table from me. Listening to all my concerns and ideas, he would give me the right advice I need to hear.
Why do people who have such major influences in our lives have to leave so soon? I could really use that hug again. A part of me wants to go back to sleep so I can try to relive it.
There is much uncertainty in my life right now, and I'm really REALLY struggling with how to cope with it.
I have the desire to move. I've finally mentioned this to my mom this morning as she checks in with me while on her cruise.
In order to move, I need to find out what career path I intend on taking this next year or two and see what I need to do to get where I want to be.
This thought just came to me.... Life by yourself is difficult. Not because of compromise (I get it, I don't have to compromise with anyone, really) but because of options. Too many options to be exact. Couples who are together make decisions based on each other. If Shelley wasn't married to Steve, would she compromise to move to Colorado? Probably not, then again she might not be living here anyways. However, she and Steve are married and have a lovely bundle of joy, would it be easier to stay here? Of course, but they are compromising a move to ensure that Evie grows up with the best life possible.
My life has no compromise. It's scary.
I'm not saying that making a decision based on a child or spouse\partner is an easier one or is more "glamorous by any means. Each has its own demons.
Life is hard when you find yourself so removed from any "rough draft" outline you've ever had about your destiny. I don't mean my life is miserable because I'm single and living with my grandma. (granted I have days like that, but this isn't one of them)
It's: I'm educated, I don't have to compromise, and I'm unhappy, so what do I do to fix it.
1. Job. Teaching has been the most educational experience I've had in my life (aside from driving around the US for a month by myself). Every day I have the opportunity to give a child the best day of their life. To make the coolest memory they'll always remember. (Singing Eidle Weiss in my 3rd grade play) Kids run up to me and hug me on a daily basis, I get old stickers, traced drawings, invites to come to their houses, and I've been called "Mom" more times that I'd like to admit.
I've also been hit, pinched, bit, spit on, kicked, run into, cursed, screamed at, and hated. Lately, I've found myself struggling to remember the good. When I wake up in the morning I think, "another day of trying to get students to just follow directions" "how can I make a difference in these kids lives, if all I do is tell them to sit down, keep their hands to themselves, and walk in a line".
I guess the bigger picture is that I show them, that even when I'm frustrated I keep coming back, even if they get time out - I will be sure to hug them in the hall way, just because they do something wrong, doesn't mean I don't notice when they do something right.
My heart breaks, because slowly but surely, that's not enough for me anymore. Something is missing. I know I'm making an impact on these children's lives. My lessons are probably the most organized and best lessons I've ever taught in the past 4 years, but I'm afraid my impact on them doesn't outweigh their impact on me. I leave work in tears, tired, worn out, and sad. Deep down I have the feeling that I'm not using my own personal skills to the best of their ability. I want a job, that takes my personality traits and uses it for the better good of other people. Does that make any sense blog reader? I hope so. It kind of does to me. So what do I do about this? I keep teaching for now, even through the tears and sadness, there are glimpses of the "passion" for teaching I had last year. These students are learning each day from me, if they can see me as a "duck on a pond" then I'm doing my job. They don't need to know about my struggles with them, they need to see a consistent face in front of them each day, willing to keep trying to help them succeed. Maybe that's the biggest education I can give them.
As for myself, my research begins... What options do I have for a career? I did some preliminary research this morning on amazon and found a book that has great words of encouragement for people with my degree. I purchased the book.
More updates to come on this.
Please know: the section is all based on my opinion. I, Emily Boedeker, reserve all rights to these statements.
2. Location. I love Houston. It is home to me, and has been for most of my life. However, with the way things are going right now, I'm considering a change of locale. Where? That's a good question. I'm very interested in small town life. I enjoy trucks, deer, hole-in-the-wall places, and antique stores. I've begun looking up real estate in Llano TX. I wouldn't mind living in Fredericksberg either. But Ive just started looking this morning and Llano was the first place I searched. Granted this all rests upon the above "Job" section, so that's just left me to look around.
3. The DOOZY. Friends and family. A wise co-worker once told me "if you don't have family, then what do you have". That has stuck with me these past few months. A lot of my uncertainty as you've figured or read in my last post, is based on the people I love and care about the most. 90% of them are all related or closely in connection with each other. I have amazing people in my life. My sister, my best friend, my rock, my conscience, my mentor, my verbal punching bag, my lifeline. My best friend who puts up with my German stubbornness. My Mom who is as close to me as anyone can get, and will be happy to tell me like it is, even when I don't want to hear it. My Dad, (I tear up) the reason why I literally just up and walked away from Lance. My dad has shown me what I deserve in a man, and even though it hurts, walk away from someone who doesn't give that to me. Steve, my bro-in-law who is probably the most like me than I'd like to admit. My Crystal, I only knew her face to face for 10 months and I can't imagine life without her. My coworkers, my team, my rock, my best friends. Why would I consider moving from them? Right now it sounds crazy, distance is hard on friendships\relationships, across the country, down the hall, or in another city. I don't the answer to that one. Not yet, at least.
So what do I do about all this inner turmoil now that I've undoubtedly shared WAY to much with the cyber world? I don't know. But each time I put it in writing I feel better, like my thoughts are more organized. Guess Dr. Perminiter was ahead of her time. She told me once, "Sometimes we go through life with our pitcher empty, it takes time but we can fill our pitchers back up"
Desperately trying to figure it out,
E.
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