run away

Sometimes regardless of where i'm at in my life. I want to run away. Today i was sitting out on the front porch of our lakehouse, and just watched the mesquite trees blow in the wind. you know what i noticed, they're the trees that sound like the ocean. each specific branch has individual leaves on it, when the wind blows, it makes this distinct woosh sound. faint to anybody walking by, but i think if you just sit and listen, you can hear them. might sound poetic to some people but i found peace today out on the stoop (yes its a stoop). i had the feeling someone was watching me, i looked up, it was our neighbor's across the street's cat. he\she (whichever) was just sitting there staring right at me. not meowing, not moving. just staring, kinda like it knew what i was thinking or maybe it felt lonely like me (owners were gone). then the dog came around the back corner and stared at me for a while. then he ran closer but not out of their driveway and started barking at me. an old beagle, he's cute but gots the old dog bark. i would whistle a few pitches at him and he'd bark back, always in the same pitch. funny how i notice that. seems that no matter where im at, im always caught in the middle. the pets across the street and my family in the house behind me. in the house there is comotion, cooking, talking\discussing\yelling, then there is me, sometimes outside by myself, sometimes in lubbock, or sometimes in the mix of it in my own little world, like ive trained my brain to runaway when im scared. ever notice when youre scared, thats when you feel the most alone? ive been scared ever since b4 school let out. thats a long time to feel lonely. but then again, so does a lot. i know i shouldnt be complaining i love my life, i love my family, i love my friends, and most of all i love God. but sometimes i feel so lost. grasping at every inch of "figured it out" i can. when im not sure of 98% of what goes on in my life. ive been struggling lately with a lot of things. im writing a lot more now (obviously) trying to get them sorted out. but it seems that every time i get something figured out, more gets piled on for me to sort. ironic? i think so. i miss lubbock. but i have until the end of june at home. which is good, maybe its God giving me time to get this stuff sorted out. i hope so, its hard to live like this.

ps. lion king on broadway tomorrow, in san antonio. finally good music again, i miss it. i love it. i can't wait!

-wandering around-
emily