update

Well today is day 15.... yup. 15....
no relief in fact, i think my head it getting worse...

I went to my dr. she seemed clueless but did tell me my scalp was really tense...
so I went and had a CT scan done today... it came back clean... which is great news..
but now.. why the headache? she told me to go see a Neurologist... so I go tuesday.. unfortunately.. I still don't have any relief from the pain...

I'll pay someone a nickel if they'll run over my head?

10 days

So today marks day 10 of my headache. It's not really a headache, more of my head just hurts. Right across the crown of my head. I've tried everything I can imagine to get rid of it. Tylenol, Tylenol sinus, claritin, sudafed, aleve, zyrtec, vicodin, and my moms super duper headache pills... no relief. I'm going to my primary care Doctor tomorrow afternoon to see what she thinks.... grrrrr.....

I'm in full swing at Alivn Community College taking US history 1301. Considering I'm one of the oldest people in my class and my professor is ancient I think I'll do okay. Along with class 8-10:15am I head over to FW Gartner where I'm working as a "fill-in" secretary for our family friend's business. Therefore my life is pretty much consumed up with school and work.

I'm glad to spend time home, but with my head issues its not so enjoyable. My parents, Shelley, and Steve have been my network here. I enjoy spending time with them these days, learning how to be an adult by their example.

The bonus to not feeling so well and working all the time is that I'm staying out of trouble. Minus the fact that some social life would be nice from time to time, but I just dont feel up to it lately.... so we'll see what the doctor says.


I had an MRI done on my "back hump" friday morning, seeing if it is a Lipoma (benign removeable tumor) or just in fact a place where my body stores fat. I should know something later this week into next week...

This past friday I went with Mom and dad down to Victoria to see Granny Jackie and PaPa Dale, their house looked great and of course I enjoyed spending time with them. Saturday we headed to Shiner where we stayed at our favorite Bed and Breakfast (Kaspar House) and attended the Boedeker\Jahnsen family reunion today and got back an hour or so ago. It was great to see Granny Martha, Dad, Susie, and Aunt Neese spending time reminiscing with family. I love my family, both sides... I guess after the year we've had, I'm really trying to take full advantage of each moment I have with them...

Thats all for now. Till I write again...

Emily

A Sad Day

I know not many people read this, and most of the time I'm rambling about the ups and downs of my life.

This morning, I got news that a friend of the family, Joe Miller, passed away. He was fighting stage 4 lung cancer with cancerous lesions on his liver. Joe was an active band parent throughout mine and my sister's HS career. His daughter Elizabeth was Shelley's college dorm room-mate.

I'm happy that Joe doesn't hurt anymore, I'm glad that he is at peace. I am however, sad for Joanne (his wife), Elizabethe, and Andrew (his son). I hope the best for them in this really hard time in their lives. I can't imagine what I would do if I was in there shoes. I pray to God that I won't have to find that out.

On a somewhat funny note, I'm actually considering grad school, just considering. Med school maybe... something that would let me help out with someone in need. It might be in Music Therapy, who knows. I just know, that within the past year cancer has shown up more and more frequently with relatives and friends, and I'm not liking it. So maybe I can find a way for me to help... We'll see..

So if you are one of the people who read this blog of mine, please keep the Miller family in your thoughts.

-Emily Gene

just kidding

everyone has flaws... im seeing more and more every day
in myself and in others...

grades- spring 2008

3.4 gpa this semester!! :-) my best yet!! so excited!

much needed update

Hello there again, trusty blog...

The semester is finally winding down, and I can't be more excited.... I'm honored to say that I had my last class registration this past week and only have 11 required hours for the fall, and 6 this summer... however in order to maintain my "full time student" status, i had to add on one more hour so that will make my fall 12 hrs! :) my lightest load yet.. all that and the 6 hours for student teaching in the spring...

so speaking of school.. its stupid- im tired of doing all the work, and not really feeling like im getting a whole bunch out of it.. but the adult in me is saying just do what you're told and get it done...so thats my goal for the rest of my time here at tech...

i'm still enjoying the nightlife of fancy ol' Lubbock Tx... more so I'm trying my best to take advantage of $1 pint nights and $.75 well nights... haha

spring break was a blast with the family...however i find myself turning into more of an old hag... going to bed at 11 sounded more fun than hanging out with all the belligerent minors in the club... i know i have no room to talk because I was once one of them...but looking back on it, i was dumb...

thats pretty much it for now... school is priority one- ill worry about everything else later... haha

much love!
Em

Thursday's post- TMEA

So as the ones close to me know (or used to be close) last year Feb. 13-17th brought a new meaning to the term "coming clean".
After that "fateful" trip, I was asked to a local coffee shop by a dear dear friend, and proceeded to have an in depth conversation about personality traits, friendship traits, and even relationship traits. In this conversation a lot of things both good and bad were brought to my attention. However, the repercussions of that infamous Thursday Feb. 22, have really seem to take its toll on me. This past Thursday being the 1 year anniversary.

Why I bring up this moment of my life? Well, for the the most recent times of my social life now I have been blessed with some amazing people. Unfortunately I suppose this time of year for the friends I care about most, seem to kinda leave me in the blue.

So alas, its now the 2nd year in a row, where I have been broadsided with a change in my best guy friend on the Thursday after TMEA.

I wouldn't change a thing about the times I spent with 2007 friend. They are some of the happiest memories in my life. But sometimes the pain of the impact doesn't show up until long after the wreck.

I just wish I could have had one more memory, one more laugh, one last dance, and one last hug.


*a very very very scarred emily*

foot

just severely bruised,
thank god
still hurts like a bitch

Update

Here is an update. sorry about the delay, life has just been really really crazy...

PaPa had his surgery on Dec. 27th, and he's cancer free as of now! We've had a speed bump these past few weeks with a Small bowel obstruction, but he's back home now and on the slow road to recovery.

I'm back up in Lubbock and am in the middle of my hardest two weeks of the semester, compliments of the hearing for my Jr. Recital coming up. I'll definitely post once I get that over with! If all goes to plan, my Junior Recital will be March 2.

Other than that, classes are going fairly well, tired of them, but I just gotta get through.

On a side note, I have done a number on my foot this past weekend in a series of bad timing... so I'm going to the Dr. tomorrow in hopes that nothing is broken\chipped\or torn. but alas the swelling DOES look kinda cool...

anywho, more of an update to come later on!

Em

One semester down 2 to go

Well, I am rounding out yet another Roller Coaster of a semester. I swear, life is hard!

I've come to the realization that school is WAAAYYYY long... and by school i mean college life of a music major. I never thought about it but I have chosen a degree that is ridiculously hard.. oh well, i'm almost done!

December has brought me days closer to home. I can't wait.

Even better news, PaPa's surgery will be Dec. 27th. That will be a large sigh for the whole family.

I'm content with my life as of now, of course I'm dreading tomorrow evening's test in Poly Sci. My life depends on it!! Just have to make a 72. and by the looks of the review that should be fairly easy... Lets just keep our fingers crossed. Hell if the studying is going this good now I might be pulling an even higher grade than expected. So here's to hoping.. nevertheless. Being at home in my bed with kitty will be the ultimate relaxation for me...

alas, dinner time w\ sarah, then back to studying... im a nerd


love

A new kind of pain

I would like to say that it the midst of the chaos of my life, that I am more than experienced in the stress department. Which in some cases this is true, nothing has prepared me for these past few weeks.

A new kind of pain has been introduced to me. I know it can't amount to the pain a mother feels when a child is hurt or when the dad says goodbye after walking his daughter down the aisle.
But the pain of time.

Sleep hasn't come so easily to me these past weeks. Resulting tired eyes and raging emotional exhaustion. Sore eyes from the tears shed, having everything set me off just doesn't help.
The back. I never quite knew what the back "Stress" was until now. Its those 5 knots right between your shoulder blades along your spine, and the only thing to help is a back rub.
Irritable bowels. No, not the syndrome, but just an over all upset stomach 24-7. For those of you who know me, know that this part of my day (bathroom time) is very important, and if its thrown out of whack, I'm out of whack.

And last, my heart and brain. I've been frantically writing down everything I can remember about my childhood. Memories of everyone. Just cause now I realize that I need to let everyone know (family and friends) just how much they mean to me.

PaPa is a candidate for the lobectomy. While this is a delicate procedure, it is the best option for him. I've been thanking God every minute for that too.
We're waiting on test results over some biopsies of the tumor. to get the final go ahead. If we have an option, Nov. 19-20th will be the surgery.
This would mean, after my dad's awesome 50th birthday bash, I would stay home with my family to be by PaPa's bedside when he wakes up. And spend the whole week down in Victoria as opposed to the half a week planned back in Sept.

Thanks for everyone who has kept my family in their prayers, they are really helping out a lot. More to be updated as the week goes on.

For more in depth updates of the medical aspect check this out- thats my mom's site she made to inform the family of the dr.'s visits.

Much love and God Bless-
Emily

PaPa Dale

Just got one of those calls...
"Emily get a box of tissues and sit down"- "Pa Pa Dale has lung cancer..."
I wail....

Mom just called me. Pa Pa Dale was diagnosed today...

I'm so pissed off right now. Stupid STUPID FUCKING DISEASE..

I know he smoked for a long time... I know bad lungs run in his family...
But Jesus. Why him. Why not the people who smoke mary jane and shoot up heroine!

I was one of the lucky ones... PaPa is in a pickle. The tumor is between a rock and a hard place... more tests this week to find out if they can remove it. I pray to God that they can. I'm so mad

I'm thinking about going to med school now after this... or something... I can't take it anymore. Sitting here while people I know have known or even myself are being affected by cancer.

Dear God,
Please give PaPa the strength he needs to keep ahead of his illness. Be with Jackie and my mom so they can support him through this. And Please be with the doctors while they run these tests that they can fix the problem quickly and easily.

Amen

Fall 2007

So yet, another update.

I'm back home in Pearland right now. Mom is asleep in her bedroom, dad's lightly snoring on the couch. I'm watching the yummy looking pot roast simmering on a bed of what is to be the best gravy in the world.

Dad ran a 10 mile today. I don't know how he does it. But either way, its fun to see him happy and enjoying himself. He's quite the man.

I like these trips home. Long enough to feel rested, but short enough that I don't get tired of it. I didn't tell Tamara I was in town and surprised her Friday night. That girl is quite the support system. I'm kind of bummed she wont be going on the Spring Break Cruise with me, but either way, doesn't matter. I might get to have her hop along with us in Dec. if we decide to go on one then.

I just sat here a while ago and read through some of my old entries. Its amazing how much my life entails. Going back and reading an article from March 22nd 2007. So stressed over boys in the entry... yet not knowing that the night after that I would be under the knife, undergoing a surgery that saved my life from a lot of stress (the cancer). AMAZING. Just like that, my entire life changed. ...

Speaking of change... homegirl is still having some issues. I'm really trying my best to make those small adjustments. BUT ITS HARD.... soo hard that I want to give up already. and its just going on 2 weeks now... but I knew this would happen. I dunno, life is just hard. REALLY FREAKIN hard.
Granted its harder when you feel like you can't do anything right.. cause thats' def. how I feel lately. Like every step forward I take feels like 8 steps back in the eyes of my parents. But thats just a perception thing at this point I think.

I wish my life was easy. That I did what I have to do to be successful and thats it. But thats not Emily.
I don't really know what success is in my eyes at this point. I know 100% for sure of what my parent's ideas of success are. But I'm finding out that, which their's is good. It's not me. My biggest struggle I think in life at this point, is knowing what I want. Not going out of my way to make people happy even if it is my parents. I know that making straight A's and having $1000 in my checking account and no credit card debt would be ideal for them. But at this point I don't feel that me getting there would be for me. It would be to make them happy. I want them to be proud. (insert everyone including mom saying "emily, we are proud of you, we just want you to make better decisions")
This is where I'm torn. Better decisions to you, (which are understandable) aren't necessarily better decisions for me. I know credit card debt and over drafting aren't good for anyone. But when it comes to that extra hour out at starbucks the night before a test, I dont see that as a "dumb decision", I see that as an opportunity. the chance to work on my balance of social, studying, and even academic success.

To my family both immediate and distant:

I know I'm 21, and mistakes should be done being made. But they aren't for me.
I promise you I will fall, I promise you that I will slap myself in the head for not saving that one dollar, I promise you that I might not get it right the first, second, third, fourth, or maybe even fifth time...

But I do promise that I will get back up after I fall, I will realize that slapping my self on the head will hurt after a while, and maybe that sixth time, I'll actually get it right.

I might not grow up into the mature adult as fast as some would like. But maybe the people who have done so before me (cough cough my sister) were the ones who did it early. Ever think about that? "Shelley and I didn't have this conversation when she was 21", whose to say that she didn't figure it out early? When in fact a lot of people don't figure adulthood out until they're 30.

I'm very lost at this point. Not sure if I should do what I want to, and go down the path that I feel could lead to success. Or stick on the path my parents have delicately mapped out for me, out of love, experience, understanding, and patience.

HELP

-much love to my Mother, Father, Sister, Brother-in-law, family, and friends-
I love you guys

Post No. 70 - and quite the update

Hello Readers of my blog.

Sorry about the delay. Life has been too fast lately.

This semester has really flown by. Very excited to say, that I am really doing well with life.
Had a couple speed bumps in life in general with me figuring out that hey, i'm 21... need to grow up now.

So I have chosen to take advantage of the TTU Student Counseling Services to get my life on track. Yeah "some people will just think you're crazy" (compliments of shelley about 13 years ago). but mostly today I have seen the outcomes and benefits of it. AMAZING

Money is finally getting saved and put to better use. Minus my employer writing hot checks for pay checks.. thats a story I rather not go over to save me from smashing in the computer (im here at work)

School- I can honestly say, IM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS CRAP!!!!!
GRADUATION CANT COME SOON ENOUGH.
IM SICK OF 100000HRS OF WORK AND NO CREDIT!!!

ok, im off that soap box

*anxious to see where life takes me these next few months. Something tells me im on a new road that I've never been down before and i like it *


for those of you who read this guess what i finally came to!
boys are lame- i love em' but i hate em'.
so im taking applications for "im not an asshole" men.. please send them my way- must like to dance and have a good time


jk jk
but still


anywho that is all - hope all is well where ever you are..

love!

My word

Friday night, 1am, I'm sitting in my cluttered living room surrounded by price tags, lists, homework, candles just blown out and the sound of the tv in my bedroom murmuring in the back.

I'm in the 2nd week of school now. Not too bad school wise. But I wish I could say that for other aspects of my life.

Depressed doesn't begin to describe how I've felt this week. Utter LOST, wandering, and sheer confusion.

I just read my mom's most recent blog. Turns out that I still have yet to make the transition into adulthood. Tonight while i was talking w\ mom after work I realize that I just have to get passed this brick wall. I'm at the breaking point with life. ITS SO FREAKING HARD.

So I have a date with me myself and I tomorrow, to clean and detox. Get my ducks in the row.

Prayers will be much needed- and I'll try to keep you posted blog.

Em-Bizzle

Stress

WHY. Why doesn't begin to describe how I've been feeling lately. I'm sick and tired of guys. I'm sick and tired of being ran over\used and ignored by guys who I think are great. It's lame... Why must I fall for their stupid games or quirks.... I promised myself I wouldn't get caught up in boys for a while getting over Dave, but yet I find myself right where I started. Not with him to say the least. but with this other one. Justin...

Justin is quite an amazing guy, best two stepper I've danced with, and that's saying a lot cause I've two stepped a day or two in my lifetime. However. He's just like the others. Doesn't call, Doesn't leave a message, and doesn't even seem phased by the fact that he and I were on such a close level.

Needless to say, he's still a great friend. As is Dave. But somehow I find myself ending up single for the majority of my life.

Big girls dont cry right? Wrong. I sit here at work, tears welling up in my eyes- Fear of loneliness. Fear of remaining attached to my parents. Fear of not being able to experience the love that they have or even Shelley and Stephen. I just feel like I'm missing out on one of God's greatest gifts... Love.
I'm full of it.. it being love, not shit! haha jk
My heart is overflowing, wanting somewhere to give it. I want to cook amazing meals, clean a house, do laundry, go to work. Make love all night long, wake up to brush my teeth next to a man that adores me for my nerdy-ness, goofball-ness, and even my curves.

Fantasy world I guess.

Here's to the single life. I need a drink.

Update on my life

Hello Blog, that i rarely write in. I am at work and under the circumstances of waiting for tonight to begin once I get off work.

School starts on Monday for me. I don't know if I'm excited about it or anxious, or even dreading it at this point. I'm taking considerably less hours this semester and am very glad for it too.

Still working at Pinocchio's pizza, some days its great, some days its horrible. Stupid people give me hell. But I must say i enjoy the time I have here with my coworkers. Sanity it is of me and three 50 plus women who pretty much keep me, well.. me. Sometimes I just need this. Words cant really explain these women. But they are my support group

Life is going... I'm just trying to keep up!

hilarious!

A 'C,' an E-flat, and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry,but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A 'D' comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,"Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not A minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturale.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda.

Summer update

Hello blog world.

Sorry it has been so long...

Lets see, I officially have a brother-in-law now, and a neice haha, jk, well its their new puppy! Bella. shes a cutie, but doesnt replace my gretal :-)

I found out that the appendectomy yielded cancer, but its gone. so woo! im a survivor!

I just got back from Las Vegas with my best friend.. WOAH, that was a blast. No I'm not married and no i had no enollments (however u spell it). I do however have a much larger appreciation for tennish shoes and older men. HAHA

anyways, that is all

emily

Let it Go

Dear Blog.
Well, its after easter. I'm sitting here at my computer at work. A lot has happened in my life these past few weeks. On the 23rd of March I went to the ER, guess who had appendicitis and pneumonia. So promptly @ 9:00pm I got wheeled back to Emergency Surgery. My wonderful roommate stayed by my side all night. Along w\ two important friends of mine stayed w\ me till midnight. Mom flew up Saturday morning to help with my post-op recovery.
I hung low all week and still made the trip down to Austin for the southwest regional conference for Tuba and Euphonium @ UT. Which I felt up to, minus the pharmacy I took with me. Well, got back Sunday, and slept in Monday morning till Noon. (whoops), went to my Music for Children class and then later that night at work, i went down. QUICKLY. Heavy\Rapid breathing, hurting, feverish (95.0 degrees????!?!?) so i went to the doctor Tuesday morning. yeah, was there all day. Lung scans, X-rays, blood work, and urine samples. So five doctors later, 9 hrs later, and 3 hospitals later, they say I'm fine. WTF? So this past weekend I went home (to Marble Falls) and just took it easy.

Now I'm back at work and anxious to finish up the rest of the school year. Health is still a little shaky but improving.

Things with Mr. Used to be Perfect are finally winding down to a close. A harsh reality, that love is blind. Blind to all the quirks you can find in a person. And a person telling me all the things that annoy them about me isn't something I wanna find in a potential boyfriend.

Needless to say, to one to closed to another opened. And everything seems a lot simpler now. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it lasts for a while.

I bid you adieu blog, until another boring night at work, or something else goes awry.