Stress

WHY. Why doesn't begin to describe how I've been feeling lately. I'm sick and tired of guys. I'm sick and tired of being ran over\used and ignored by guys who I think are great. It's lame... Why must I fall for their stupid games or quirks.... I promised myself I wouldn't get caught up in boys for a while getting over Dave, but yet I find myself right where I started. Not with him to say the least. but with this other one. Justin...

Justin is quite an amazing guy, best two stepper I've danced with, and that's saying a lot cause I've two stepped a day or two in my lifetime. However. He's just like the others. Doesn't call, Doesn't leave a message, and doesn't even seem phased by the fact that he and I were on such a close level.

Needless to say, he's still a great friend. As is Dave. But somehow I find myself ending up single for the majority of my life.

Big girls dont cry right? Wrong. I sit here at work, tears welling up in my eyes- Fear of loneliness. Fear of remaining attached to my parents. Fear of not being able to experience the love that they have or even Shelley and Stephen. I just feel like I'm missing out on one of God's greatest gifts... Love.
I'm full of it.. it being love, not shit! haha jk
My heart is overflowing, wanting somewhere to give it. I want to cook amazing meals, clean a house, do laundry, go to work. Make love all night long, wake up to brush my teeth next to a man that adores me for my nerdy-ness, goofball-ness, and even my curves.

Fantasy world I guess.

Here's to the single life. I need a drink.

Update on my life

Hello Blog, that i rarely write in. I am at work and under the circumstances of waiting for tonight to begin once I get off work.

School starts on Monday for me. I don't know if I'm excited about it or anxious, or even dreading it at this point. I'm taking considerably less hours this semester and am very glad for it too.

Still working at Pinocchio's pizza, some days its great, some days its horrible. Stupid people give me hell. But I must say i enjoy the time I have here with my coworkers. Sanity it is of me and three 50 plus women who pretty much keep me, well.. me. Sometimes I just need this. Words cant really explain these women. But they are my support group

Life is going... I'm just trying to keep up!

hilarious!

A 'C,' an E-flat, and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry,but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A 'D' comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,"Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not A minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturale.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda.

Summer update

Hello blog world.

Sorry it has been so long...

Lets see, I officially have a brother-in-law now, and a neice haha, jk, well its their new puppy! Bella. shes a cutie, but doesnt replace my gretal :-)

I found out that the appendectomy yielded cancer, but its gone. so woo! im a survivor!

I just got back from Las Vegas with my best friend.. WOAH, that was a blast. No I'm not married and no i had no enollments (however u spell it). I do however have a much larger appreciation for tennish shoes and older men. HAHA

anyways, that is all

emily

Let it Go

Dear Blog.
Well, its after easter. I'm sitting here at my computer at work. A lot has happened in my life these past few weeks. On the 23rd of March I went to the ER, guess who had appendicitis and pneumonia. So promptly @ 9:00pm I got wheeled back to Emergency Surgery. My wonderful roommate stayed by my side all night. Along w\ two important friends of mine stayed w\ me till midnight. Mom flew up Saturday morning to help with my post-op recovery.
I hung low all week and still made the trip down to Austin for the southwest regional conference for Tuba and Euphonium @ UT. Which I felt up to, minus the pharmacy I took with me. Well, got back Sunday, and slept in Monday morning till Noon. (whoops), went to my Music for Children class and then later that night at work, i went down. QUICKLY. Heavy\Rapid breathing, hurting, feverish (95.0 degrees????!?!?) so i went to the doctor Tuesday morning. yeah, was there all day. Lung scans, X-rays, blood work, and urine samples. So five doctors later, 9 hrs later, and 3 hospitals later, they say I'm fine. WTF? So this past weekend I went home (to Marble Falls) and just took it easy.

Now I'm back at work and anxious to finish up the rest of the school year. Health is still a little shaky but improving.

Things with Mr. Used to be Perfect are finally winding down to a close. A harsh reality, that love is blind. Blind to all the quirks you can find in a person. And a person telling me all the things that annoy them about me isn't something I wanna find in a potential boyfriend.

Needless to say, to one to closed to another opened. And everything seems a lot simpler now. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it lasts for a while.

I bid you adieu blog, until another boring night at work, or something else goes awry.

hard

I wish I could say that I'm doing great back up here at school....however, school is great work is hard and long.. i realized today that I'm taking 18 hrs of school while working for 20. geebus, imagine that... me working as much as possible.

so whats not so great you ask?
me. i know at this point mom is saying, take some more paxil... its like the answer to my life is medicine... i know it helps, but it doesnt solve anything, it just covers it. at this point, ive done all i can do with what has been bothering me now for over a year. im not suer if i should call it a waste of time... or a milestone. now im taking a "mondernisitic" idea to my life and asking "Why not" or "how come?"

i wish i had answers. answers to questions im not even sure of.



spring break was a ton of fun... we danced, sang, hugged, stumbled, drank, and saw wonderful places... i just wish i could get over it


i wish i could get over holding his hand, laying in the hammock, playing halo to the wee hours of the morning, i wish i could get over the dances, i wish i wasnt so selfish. i wish i could turn back the clock that got me here today. why did it get so complicated? why did i have to find out the truth... why did i have to open my mouth? cause quite frankly, im sick of feeling like walking on egg shells.. i dont know what else to do
, and i know thats wwhats right to do right now... nothing

but i cant let go
ive tried
i cant

F*$%

I'm too excited to sleep.....

Hey there blog. Well, its 3:08am and I can't sleep. I know this is TMI, but its from a little person I'd like to call, Aunt Flow. She throws off my sleeping habits. But this is good. Because I've got a lot on my mind and I'm finding some good time to get it all straight.

I'm really excited about the cruise. Like beyond all comprehension. I do not believe I've been this excited in a long LONG time. I have so many high expectations, not of a magnificant ship and crew. But just truly enjoying time with my friends and family. One week. Thats all. Wow this semester has gone by quick. I'm not complaining, but damn. Whew, that was fast.


In case ya'll haven't had an update, my Grandfather has been in and out of the hospital these past few weeks. No worries, he's home and on the mend. But he had a bad case of Pnemonia. (however u spell it). Mom (once again) has been going above and beyond her daughterly duties and has been a tremendous help to Papa and Granny Jackie.

So nevertheless, I;'m going to attempt to go to bed again. CANT WAIT!

Em

March Update

spring break is almost here
ill update more later LOL

a gamble

sometimes you have to just go for it... take a chance, not that you win, just that you dont loose. although you might loose some hands, a good one is just around the corner.

everyone just pray for me. please and thank you.

em

Ode to wonderful

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to K.A.

Why you ask I have an ode to KA? Well, lets just say, you don't know wonderful until you meet this woman.

Words can't describe how truly talented this girl is. She might be a little short, but she's taller than I'll ever be. She has a beautiful heart, to go along with one of the most musical voices I've ever heard sung in my life. She's a great act on stage, and even as breathtaking as this picture.

She's going through a hard time right now, and its now that I realize just how amazing she is. She has always done all she can for how busy she is, maintained composure and has even held me up when I needed someone to listen.

Just thought the world should know how wonderful KA is. Because shes quite the person.

love ya girl,
em

Dr. Smith

Dr. Smith.

This man has to be one of the most intelligent people in the world. Today was the start of Spring semester 2007, and once again. I have him for music history. Unfortunatly this is me retaking his class, due to grades. Oddly enough, im thrilled. Today when I walked into the classroom, I was excited... Getting ot hear him lecture and be so knowledgable is refreshing to me. Regardless of me gushing over him in here. Even if all he knows about me is my name, and the few meetings we have had regarding grades. He has influenced my life in so many ways. Most recently with my diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Compulsive Features. Yeah, I know it sounds odd..but I went in for some testing and thats my results... If it wasn't for his recommendation, I'd still be stressing over helpless stuff. Good news is I have officially been on my medication for a week now and have seen drastic results. Not just in my thought processes, but life in general. I'm barely eating anything... something tells me that was all stress related....i have a the "whatever" kind of attitude, and life is just as simple as you make it. Get your shit done. thats the name of the game. the game maeaning life. maybe teach a few people along the way.

ok, i'm off my soapbox.

Well, i'm going to go hang around the house..one more class tonight. My favorite one...tuba\euph....
I love those boys... they're simply amazing.

em

LMAO

Lets just call this...the upper hand :)

Things are looking so far up I can barely believe it.

Life is good.

And there isnt anything to mess it up.

Here's to the new year

Study Abroad

Hmmm... lets see...

I've been sitting at my computer almost none stop since 8 oclock...you know what that means? I've been thinking. I've just started my research on studying abroad...oh my wheels are turning. Not my action wheels, but my imagination wheels... oh what it would be like to pack up and move to Italy for a month...take a class, and just live...see a Tuscany sunset, and even pick up some European accent...haha I wish...not on going, but the accent part.

I've asked my parents several times on traveling abroad, they've vetoed it most of the time... I know I have to get my GPA up in order to get scholarhsips and what not... but what an experience...
I sit here at the kitchen table, and wonder if its not my imagination...but what if it is me just wanting to run away... running away from what I dont know.... things are wonderful here...I couldn't ask for more...
But thats something Iwant to do... for me...not beacuse thats what my friends are doing.. i want to go to learn from beyond a Texas University, but a Global difference... even if its an italian music class...you know?

maybe im so far over my head with this idea.,... but who knows...i'll keep ya'll updated.

em

New

Well, most of you know, that after Christmas night, I came home slightly inebriated, (understatement), and I accidentally spilled a smirnoff on my computer. although it did not hit my spacebar, my spacebar stopped working...

so now im on a wireless keyboard and new mouse that we found for cheap at office depot... It is quite nice because I can get back on a regular keyboard. Im not going to lie, typing on a regular keyboard to a lap top is quite goofy but thats just me... goofy.

that is all.


emily

Inspired

Writing, after a breif conversation with my mother today. One of many of this time off from school, I find myself getting back into it. Yes back into it. Earlier this semseter I started writing my first novel. While I left it in Lubbock I'm not afraid to pick up here where I left off, or even then, just start a new one. Not sure what itll be about, but who knows.

City of Angels

This movie, has become one of my favorites. It's well scripted and casted. I love Meg Ryan, not only is she beautiful but she is very talented and smart. Nicholas Cage is such a great actor. I see his face in this movie, and he's so in character, and even believable to be an angel. Makes me wonder if we all have angels out there, longing to make us happy, but knowing that they can't interfere with free will, they must step back. What if angels are all around us just there. Waiting for us.

Things have been looking up these past few days, me just accepting things the way they are and not putting my happiness in other people's hands. I realize things have not ended up the way I've wanted them to, but that doesn't mean that they wont.

I have been hanging with Shannon Price these past few days, and I find myself DYING for the spring break cruise. That's going to rock hardcore! I mean woah.

Anyways, off to go get ready for a nice dinner at Bonnies.

-emily

Lost

Pearland. Good ol' Pearland. Most people spend their whole lives trying to get out of it. This past week, I have been longing for it. Now I'm here. Thats right folks, I'm here.

So why "lost" you ask? Well thast just it. I don't know why. As the end of my semester wound up, I find my grades better than ever, and to be coming in quite smoothly. Then again, when one thing goes right in my life, of course something else is required to get a quirk. Whelp. BINGO, there we go, my quirk.

After a semester of struggling with some stuff going on in my head, I finally got everything out in the open. Which should have made me feel better, right? Well, the jury is still out on that one.
Today has been my best day, but we'll see how this progresses after the break. Everything in that aspect is on hold right now, might be indefinitly but I need it.

That doesn't really explained my lost title yet, but maybe I can get there.

Thats just it in fact. I'm not sure what I'm lost about. I have been told by several of friends that I have "help everyone" issues. This is really difficult for me to hear, because I never listen. This takes me back to November, I went and got some learning disability testing done and just got my results back. I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Compulsive Features.
So yeah. Woot, the source to most of my issues. WOOT

well im out
more updates throughout the break

At work

Hey there blog world...

Well I'm at work right now. It's kind of a slow night. Guess what I have great news... I'm done with Finals!! But I still have my Music History paper re-write due on wednesday, thast going to be brutal.

As I've been sitting here staring at the computer now for 2 1\2 hours, half way through my shift. And something shocking and scary has come to my attention. I think my motor skills are fading. I know this sounds weird, but lately I have found my self, making silly mistakes in my every day activities, such as.. starting to brush my teeth w\out putting toothpaste on the brush.... getting out of the shower w\out rinsing out my hair.. forgetting how to spell my own name. stopping mid sentences because i blank out... its really bad when im on the phone. i dunno. im kinda worried but it could just be the stress of school and everything...

to the end of my rope that i have been on the past few days. F you.

that felt good


im home in pearland t-minus one week and a day. sadly im booking it there ASAP. something about me just longs to be there w\ my friends from back home. BIG TIME. Like Shannon, F and P, Steve M, and even Tamara's family. Even if shes not there. I miss them. I think I'll give them a call tomorrow.

Anyways, back to boredom.

out

didnt mean to

I didnt mean to make you cry, I meant for you to realize that like me, you cant give that much out without taking time to yourself. I know Im the worst person for doing this too, but you know that I love you. You're a great Mom, wonderful friend, and even better wedding planner.

As for wedding stuff. you shouldnt have to take stuff back if she changes her mind. make her do it. and until she does, she cant will have to count the money that went into that as gone. out of the budget. u shouldnt have to work extra hard because she didnt "re-approve". once should be enough

keep up the good work. ure helping me a lot today and last night. THANK YOU

-----------------

to everyone else.
I'm struggling a lot right now with my "path" i guess you can call it, somehow, within a day, im starting to find it.

ps.my dad is great too

What is really important?

What is importance? Is it our minds tricking our lives into thinking that there should be order?
Someone who I care deeply about told me some awakening news this week.

"Emily, When have you ever done something because you wanted to do it. Not because your friends wanted to. Find out what you want from life, and don't waiver from that."

I do know whats most important to me...sad thing is, my priorities arent where they should be.

Instead of it being. "Family, School, then Friends" its "Friends, Family, School". I got it all mixed up. I'm more worried about making good memories, and not missing out on a beat of life than i am, Acing a test, or even getting stuff done ahead of time. The list of stuff I want to do in my life is a mile long. Yet in the past 3 years, I've done nothing to get there. Why is that?

A harsh reality check that was. I dont have mind of my own. The only thing I can remember doing for me is, making my friends happy. Making sure they always have a full glass, they don't have to pay for me, I can make a good joke to brighten their day, and even having opportunities where they wont be alone or have nothing to do.
In the midst of all of that, I find myself on E. for Empty, not for Emily. I've given everything, 110% of my energy into my friends. And I get mad at myself. Because in the end what have I gotten out of it? Great memories, AMAZING ones, chapters of knowledge stored away over useless stuff, a liqour cabinet that is always stocked, a door that is open for everyone, any time of day or night, and yet an empty spot right inside my chest. Thats my "me" time. Problem is, when I have it, I'm still empty.
Its like I'm going in circles. Never quite satisfied with my life. When one thing is good, something else is bad, and vice versa.

I have come to terms that I am a suffocating person. In the midst of me trying to make my friends' lives easier, I've been around too much. Not giving them their freedom. I dont know why.

Once again, I find myself in a mid-mid-life crisis. I just want to run away. and it all be fixed. but nope, thats not life now is it.

So I ask you all...
What does your life mean, where are you going, and who are you doing it for?