Whats wrong with me?

Today, in the middle of 3rd grade, I about started crying, because I wanted a desk job. Some days, I would much rather give up my summers off, to sit at a desk and work independently all day. Granted the number of days that I think that are few. But today is one of them.

Is it possible that some people are flawed. Uncontrollably flawed. Not a negative flaw either, just defaulted. I feel like the black sheep.

I eat dinner by myself at restaurants.
Most guys annoy me.
I take it personal anytime someone thinks I've done wrong, even when I haven't.
I enjoy coming home and sitting in silence for at least an hour.

Icing on the cake

My job is hard.

Back to where I started

One of my friends posted a picture of her husband on Facebook and captioned it "I'm so smitten with him".

I stopped, read it, and re-read it. How lucky it is to find your true love. To meet someone, and realize you'd do anything for that person. That waking up next to them every day is the only thing that matters. I'm envious.

So the butterflies I miss. It's not that. It's the "smitten-ness" I want. I want to be mind blowingly head over heals in love.

One of my good friends told me today, that in order to get there, I have to open myself up to let someone in. I never thought of myself as closed off, but then I thought about it.

I always find an excuse with guys, they're too this or too that. Not enough this, not enough that. And I go back to my "safe place"... my family. I hide in my family. Now, please don't get me wrong, I adore them and love every minute I spend with them. But I'm starting to realize I most likely use them as a cover or protection so I don't have to worry about my heart getting broken.

So how to fix this???

Em

in the dumps

Hey everyone,

I'm in the dumps again, not sure why. Had a very long day at work today, and I'm pretty much wiped out.

It's one of those days you want to talk to someone about it, but then again you're too tired to rehash it.

I'm tired of my ear. I want to chop it off.

That is all.

HO Hum
Em

Crazy

So I go back and read my last post. I smile.

I had a lovely week. TMEA- Texas Music Educators Association. Such a wonderful clinic\conference. I enjoy the classes, the exhibits, and seeing old friends. Acenar rocked, as usual. Haha.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world. So happy. :) Although, I miss my friends who all live elsewhere!!

Em

Butterflies

Good evening, Blog world.

Well, I'm here just about to crawl into bed and felt the need to update the ol' blogg-aroo.

Its been a crazy couple of weeks, but seems like things are getting back into their rhythm.

Why "Butterflies" as the title you ask? I miss them.

No, not the caterpillar\pupa\butterfly, but the heart skips a beat when you think about them butterflies. Yeah, I know its probably because Valentine's day is around the corner, but gimme a break. It's been a long time since I've really been interested in anyone. At least, with..butterflies.

My awesomely funny sister is true to her word when she asked me if she could make a profile for me on ChristianMingle.com I said of course. Which is true, because I haven't had much luck filling out the correct answers for myself on Match or Eharmony. Well, the ball is rolling with a few gentlemen, but I still don't feel the spark, the butterflies. I'm not sure what's missing from them. They all seem like great catches, but I'm missing something. Maybe its because its online dating, maybe because I long for the human contact that is a potential spouse. I dunno.


I miss you butterflies, I look forward to when you return.

Em

DAMN.

Pondering

Funny how someone crosses your mind, odd times of the days. My friend Crystal has been on my mind a lot this evening. So she's going in my prayer book.

Miss you Papa

worried

Worried worried worried.

Pity Party

What in the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!?

My job is great, I have a house, I have so much fun hanging out with my family. Why...Why Why why...am I still not happy. What's wrong with me?!?!!!?!
Even with loving people all around me, I feel alone. I'm supported, cared for, and super blessed. But at the end of the day I feel as if I have nothing.

once again. What in the hell is wrong with me?

I have all of this built up frustration that is just pouring out of me and I hate it.

So go ahead, judge me for my pity party. I just needed to vent.

Greetings

Hello there blog family.

Hope you had a lovely Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Where do I begin?

Christmas was spent in Colorado, and that was a lot of fun. Enjoyed spending time with my cousins and visiting with my Aunt and Uncle.

New years was alright.

Before school started back up, I received a call from my Principal that my classroom was broken into over Winter break. All of my electronics (minus computers) were stolen. I still well up when I think about it now. Some people are just plain horrible.

I'm very fortunate in these next few weeks that I don't have too much on my plate with the exception of some travels.

I'm sorry to my friends and family who are confused by my "I feel invisible" post. I feel I'm lacking direction in my life at the moment, and my "stresses" are obsolete in the schema that is my life right now.

Spring break is coming up, I'm looking for ideas to travel. If you know of any, let me know!

I feel slightly invisible these days.

Oy

1. What time did you get up this morning?
9:30 - it was lovely

2. How do you like your steak?
Medium

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Twilight: Breaking Down Prt. 1

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Big Bang Theory

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Where my family is.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Blue Bell Chocolate Ice Cream- don't judge me, that was like pre-lunch.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Tex-mex\mexican food

8. What foods do you dislike?
sushi

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Had dinner at Pappas tonight. so thats a win right there.

10. Favorite dressing/s?
1000 island

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Ford Fusion SEL- V6 : )

12. What are your favorite clothes?
maxi dresses

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
I would like to spend more time in Italy.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Half full.

15. Where would you want to retire?
Not sure yet.

16. Favorite time of day?
either night or morning. never both.

17. Where were you born?
Conroe

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Football

19. Are you a morning person or a night person?
see question 16

20. Do you have any pets?
share custody of tucker with my parents

21. What did you want to be when you were little?
a doctor

22. What is your best childhood memory?
traveling

23. Are you a cat or dog person?
I love both, but mostly dog

24. Are you married?
nope

25. Always wear your seat belt?
always in the front seat

26. Any pet peeves?
loud breathing and smacking

27. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Pepperoni, and jalepenos

28. Favorite Flower?
hydrangeas

29. Favorite ice cream?
Bluebell- any flavor

30. At which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Walmart or Target

31. Like your job?
loving it this year

32. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Parents, sis, and brother in law

33. Coffee Drinker?
Yes, im a teacher....duh.

Ready for a rainy day.

Obsessing Over: Jim Parsons

Working On: Organizing my thoughts

Thinking About: How awesome my family is. How much I love them all so much, and want them to always be safe, healthy, and happy.

Anticipating: The winter break

Listening To: the ceiling fan

In my DVD player: PS. I love you

On my DVR: Big Bang Theory, Mythbusters, Auction Kings, and Family Guy

Drinking: Water

Eating: nada

Praying for: good health for everyone - its going around!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Week

Gobble Gobble, Happy Thanksgiving.

This time last week, I was in Greece. Katakolon Greece... This year, I'm sitting at my parent's office. Worried about my finances and Christmas. Wow. How different. I'm thinking, of several different things. How to balance my life. It seems kind of one sided... hm..

Anyways, I'm Thankful this year, for my health, my family, my friends, and my successes as of now. I know I'm extremely blessed to have the opportunities I've had and I owe it all to Him.

I hope you all have a lovely holiday. I'm sure I'll be updating this later this week, as I will have lots of free time to vedge in Marble Falls!

Love,
Em

Is it time for a change?

Hello dear blog readers.


Today's entry is coming from the comfort of Dad's recliner at my childhood home. That's right, I'm back in my old roots for the next week as part of my "dog sitting" stint. Currently I'm watching Gretal, Bella, Radar, Schultze, and Tucker. This weekend appearances were made to the Whistler home to love on Maxwell my new nephew-cat.

Work is still going extremely well. I really feel like I have found my stride as an Elementary Music teacher, and even cooler as someone who is knowledgeable. Odd to say that, but for the first time, this weekend I was asked for ideas by a younger teacher.... How cool?! I truly enjoyed sharing what I do in my classroom with her and I hope what I offered helped. Neat huh? me...experienced teacher... ahh!

I'm still going to the gym about once a week. I feel like I'm slacking though. I don't know what happened to my motivation I had a couple years ago. I'm still in the best shape of my life when it comes to abilities but I still feel like something is missing.

I'm not sure what needs to change, but I do feel like it is time for a change. For me. Not sure if that means new hobbies, outlets, or wardrobe. Actually I feel kind of lost when I think about it. All I know is that I want to keep improving my life and I think I'm right on the brink of something cool.


This past week I've also been thinking about my PaPa a lot. I think it was because of Veterans Day. I miss getting him cards. Maybe I could get him one next year, even as hokey as that sounds. But yeah, randomly I've found myself "welling" up thinking about him. Odd. Normally I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person when it comes to that emotion these days. Then again... I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve.

Anyways, on to a week of dogsitting and pondering. I'll let you know if I find out what that change is.

Love,
Emily

Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks...

I've been teaching now for my 3rd year. I've argued with my principal, I've had bad walk throughs, I've seen a kid melt down in a temper tantrum, I've been bitten- kicked sworn at -called fat- cried on. I would rather have all of that, every single day for the rest of my career, to not have the Monday I had this week....

Monday was a normal day, like any other... Our principal called us for a short talk after school. I walk to the room, notice a couple of District people there thinking this has to deal with our grant. WRONG. A silent room, kleenex's everywhere... Never a good sign...

One of our first graders passed away Sunday night\Early Monday morning....(breathe -Emily) I dont want to go into too much detail, Blog. But sometimes just writing it out helps. Words cannot describe the emotion. I HATE IT. I taught him every day last year.=. No he wasn't my homeroom class, but I did see him 2 days a week in class this year, and just about every day in the hallway...

There is the quote in Twilight "Death is easy, life is hard"- Shelley and I spoke about it a few weeks ago. I hope its correct, because hearing the students come up to me today and say "He died" was really hard. Innocent and "Resilient" as mom calls it (turns out its true) they talk as if he was a pet. I think that's a blessing in disguise. Our brains dont fully mature until we're 24\25 years old. Maybe that's a survival instinct, truth be told. I will remember these past 2 days for the REST of my life with much emotional connection to how it felt to lose a student. But for the average 6 or 7 year old, its simple. No thoughts about how to handle it. It just is as it is...
Wish I could turn my brain off and think like that. But thus the beauty of growing up.

The last day I saw him, was an awesome day (last Wednesday). We had really found our "rhythm" in music. Pun intended. He had fun in my class, was successful at it, and was consistently rewarded for it. That should make me feel better right? Nope. Just like Papa, I describe it as "I was not done yet". Hell, Friday Oct. 7, two years since Papa passed. I'm still not done yet.

My goal this week is to tell each class I teach, why they are special to me. And my goal this year is to dismiss these students (good day or bad day) on a "note" I don't feel guilty about.

His last day in class he got a sticker for following directions and participating correctly. I can't NOT be happy with that. I pray for comfort to his family, his home room teacher, and for his friends.

Sometimes I wish God would let us peek at his "schedule" he has for us. Or I wish he wasn't so confident in our abilities to handle hard situations. But time heals all wounds. However, I pray with all my might to not have to have a meeting like that again.



I'm not public posting this on FBook, but I did update it. If you read it, please say a quick prayer for J.E. God will know who you're talking about. I've already been chatting Him up about him.

Tell the ones you love, you do.
Tell the ones you know, you care.


-Much Love,
Emily

I love to sing.

Greetings blog world. Hope you had a lovely weekend, I definitely had a good one. I'm trying to stay equally busy\lazy today so I get the most out of my Sunday.

Today I had the urge to clean my sitting area in my room, luckily it didn't take that long, so I had time to make selections for my new travel photo album which I've not filled in since last Christmas.

I came across a picture of myself from the November Italy trip, it was odd seeing myself then. The peak of my weight loss over the year and the light in my eyes was stunning. I look at more recent pictures and I don't see that anymore. I'm still going to the gym about once a week but have really fallen off my "healthy" bandwagon. That gave me inspiration today to get off my ass and get back to the gym to do the less glamorous-cardio work out.. I got through my longest stint on the elliptical with such ease. I find that frustrating that even though my body can handle extended workouts now, I'm still not progressing..

The conscious discipline training kicks in, what am I do that is causing this? After a lovely and yummy lunch at Gringos today, I found myself happily enjoying chips, salsa, cheese enchiladas, etc.... So. I'm trying to regain that inner strength to disconnect my cravings for certain foods. Mexican food being my favorite, and by far my vice against a hard day's work. Now I for one know (through years of yo yo dieting) that I will not deprive myself of my cravings. But to space them out accordingly based upon my workout regime. Work out more than you eat. Simple, but difficult.

Another thing I thought about was that last year I was working towards the November cruise, my bucket list. It was easy to find the will-power there. Now, cause of finances, I'm just "going to the gym". So I'm going to put this in writing. My travel plans thus far this Fall Semester.

Sept.30-Oct 2: Oktoberfest

Oct. 7-9 Victoria
Oct. 14-16 Open (possibly Marble Falls
Oct. 21-23 Camping in Huntsville
Oct. 28-30 Victoria
Nov. 4-7 NASCAR weekend in Ft. Worth
Nov. 11-13 Dog-sitting for Mom and Dad I'm sure
Nov. 20-22 Lau'Berge Du Lac (solo trip)
Nov. 23-26 Victoria for Thanksgiving

So I'm pretty busy this rest of the 2011 year. Toss in a couple inservices and I find myself just going through the "healthy motions". While work is exponentially better I find myself less in the need to "burn off steam" after the work day...

I don't know, Blog. I really don't know. Maybe I need to re-read the book that had me going to the gym in the first place. It was my number 1 motivator to get me to walk into the door.

Yes, just to re-read it. Maybe live vicariously through it. Minus meeting a dude in a foreign country via a web-chat who turns out to be in a relationship with another woman and I'm stuck over there doing God knows what, once my heart is broken.

"I need some distraction, oh beautiful release...."- Sarah McLaughlin.

That is all for now, blog. Goodbye and God Bless

the good kind of tired

Dear Blog readers,

I write to you on this cloudy Sunday, with tired eyes. But its a good kind of tired. Another fun weekend in the books, and a fun Birthday celebration for my best friend, Shannon. Last night we went bowling (which I hadn't done in a long time), and I finally broke 100 with a score of 105 for the last game. Therefore, I had a successful bowling night! (Small things in life, I know)

After that we went to Sherlocks Pub for drinks and good conversation. It was a lot of fun, because I got to meet more of Shannon's friends and put faces to names. They're very fun people and it was nice to spend the evening laughing and enjoying each others company. Even more fun was dancing to the band they had playing. Of course any of you readers who have been to Sherlocks Clear Lake, know that the bands there are always wayyyy too loud. Yet, we ended up dancing right next to the speaker... maybe that's the ringing I hear in my ears this morning.

Last weekend was a lot of fun, Friday night Shannon and I went out to Big Texas, odd how I used to be a regular there, and then I hadn't been in months. Felt weird being back, but still enjoyed the night. Might have regretted some of the fun we had the next morning, but I'm learning that comes with age. Saturday morning Shelley, Steve, and I went to Temple for a friend's wedding. We had a great car ride up there, and a fun evening celebrating with friends.

As you saw in the previous post Sunday was the Texans game and I met Clay Walker. That was awesome.

So now I'm spending my Sunday working on lesson plans, debating on leaving the house today at all. I know football is on, and after last weekend I'm definitely tempted to watch some more.

This next week should be fun:
Monday- Gym
Tuesday- Gym and Birthday Dinner at Olive Garden w\ Shannon
Wednesday- Staff Dev. meetings and Bible Study (hosted here)
Thursday- work work work
Friday- sleep post work
Saturday- Maroon 5 concert w\ Shelley and Yacavone girls
Sunday- rest


I'm excited about Octoberfest, Sept 30-2nd weekend. Should be lots of fun with friends and family!

Well, suppose that's a good enough update. Have a great week,

Love,
Em

PS. I miss him still

the biggest surprise

Work is going soooo well!!!

Things are off to a great start and I'm excited about week 4 of the school year!

Also, today I got to go to the Texans game with Shelley Steve, and Eilene. My aunt susie got us field passes which was awesome because I got to have my picture taken with.....................


So cool!! - ps. thats clay walker for you non-country-music-listening folks!


Really really neat.

Thats all for my update today, maybe a more formal one soon!