a gamble

sometimes you have to just go for it... take a chance, not that you win, just that you dont loose. although you might loose some hands, a good one is just around the corner.

everyone just pray for me. please and thank you.

em

Ode to wonderful

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to K.A.

Why you ask I have an ode to KA? Well, lets just say, you don't know wonderful until you meet this woman.

Words can't describe how truly talented this girl is. She might be a little short, but she's taller than I'll ever be. She has a beautiful heart, to go along with one of the most musical voices I've ever heard sung in my life. She's a great act on stage, and even as breathtaking as this picture.

She's going through a hard time right now, and its now that I realize just how amazing she is. She has always done all she can for how busy she is, maintained composure and has even held me up when I needed someone to listen.

Just thought the world should know how wonderful KA is. Because shes quite the person.

love ya girl,
em

Dr. Smith

Dr. Smith.

This man has to be one of the most intelligent people in the world. Today was the start of Spring semester 2007, and once again. I have him for music history. Unfortunatly this is me retaking his class, due to grades. Oddly enough, im thrilled. Today when I walked into the classroom, I was excited... Getting ot hear him lecture and be so knowledgable is refreshing to me. Regardless of me gushing over him in here. Even if all he knows about me is my name, and the few meetings we have had regarding grades. He has influenced my life in so many ways. Most recently with my diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Compulsive Features. Yeah, I know it sounds odd..but I went in for some testing and thats my results... If it wasn't for his recommendation, I'd still be stressing over helpless stuff. Good news is I have officially been on my medication for a week now and have seen drastic results. Not just in my thought processes, but life in general. I'm barely eating anything... something tells me that was all stress related....i have a the "whatever" kind of attitude, and life is just as simple as you make it. Get your shit done. thats the name of the game. the game maeaning life. maybe teach a few people along the way.

ok, i'm off my soapbox.

Well, i'm going to go hang around the house..one more class tonight. My favorite one...tuba\euph....
I love those boys... they're simply amazing.

em

LMAO

Lets just call this...the upper hand :)

Things are looking so far up I can barely believe it.

Life is good.

And there isnt anything to mess it up.

Here's to the new year

Study Abroad

Hmmm... lets see...

I've been sitting at my computer almost none stop since 8 oclock...you know what that means? I've been thinking. I've just started my research on studying abroad...oh my wheels are turning. Not my action wheels, but my imagination wheels... oh what it would be like to pack up and move to Italy for a month...take a class, and just live...see a Tuscany sunset, and even pick up some European accent...haha I wish...not on going, but the accent part.

I've asked my parents several times on traveling abroad, they've vetoed it most of the time... I know I have to get my GPA up in order to get scholarhsips and what not... but what an experience...
I sit here at the kitchen table, and wonder if its not my imagination...but what if it is me just wanting to run away... running away from what I dont know.... things are wonderful here...I couldn't ask for more...
But thats something Iwant to do... for me...not beacuse thats what my friends are doing.. i want to go to learn from beyond a Texas University, but a Global difference... even if its an italian music class...you know?

maybe im so far over my head with this idea.,... but who knows...i'll keep ya'll updated.

em

New

Well, most of you know, that after Christmas night, I came home slightly inebriated, (understatement), and I accidentally spilled a smirnoff on my computer. although it did not hit my spacebar, my spacebar stopped working...

so now im on a wireless keyboard and new mouse that we found for cheap at office depot... It is quite nice because I can get back on a regular keyboard. Im not going to lie, typing on a regular keyboard to a lap top is quite goofy but thats just me... goofy.

that is all.


emily

Inspired

Writing, after a breif conversation with my mother today. One of many of this time off from school, I find myself getting back into it. Yes back into it. Earlier this semseter I started writing my first novel. While I left it in Lubbock I'm not afraid to pick up here where I left off, or even then, just start a new one. Not sure what itll be about, but who knows.

City of Angels

This movie, has become one of my favorites. It's well scripted and casted. I love Meg Ryan, not only is she beautiful but she is very talented and smart. Nicholas Cage is such a great actor. I see his face in this movie, and he's so in character, and even believable to be an angel. Makes me wonder if we all have angels out there, longing to make us happy, but knowing that they can't interfere with free will, they must step back. What if angels are all around us just there. Waiting for us.

Things have been looking up these past few days, me just accepting things the way they are and not putting my happiness in other people's hands. I realize things have not ended up the way I've wanted them to, but that doesn't mean that they wont.

I have been hanging with Shannon Price these past few days, and I find myself DYING for the spring break cruise. That's going to rock hardcore! I mean woah.

Anyways, off to go get ready for a nice dinner at Bonnies.

-emily

Lost

Pearland. Good ol' Pearland. Most people spend their whole lives trying to get out of it. This past week, I have been longing for it. Now I'm here. Thats right folks, I'm here.

So why "lost" you ask? Well thast just it. I don't know why. As the end of my semester wound up, I find my grades better than ever, and to be coming in quite smoothly. Then again, when one thing goes right in my life, of course something else is required to get a quirk. Whelp. BINGO, there we go, my quirk.

After a semester of struggling with some stuff going on in my head, I finally got everything out in the open. Which should have made me feel better, right? Well, the jury is still out on that one.
Today has been my best day, but we'll see how this progresses after the break. Everything in that aspect is on hold right now, might be indefinitly but I need it.

That doesn't really explained my lost title yet, but maybe I can get there.

Thats just it in fact. I'm not sure what I'm lost about. I have been told by several of friends that I have "help everyone" issues. This is really difficult for me to hear, because I never listen. This takes me back to November, I went and got some learning disability testing done and just got my results back. I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Compulsive Features.
So yeah. Woot, the source to most of my issues. WOOT

well im out
more updates throughout the break

At work

Hey there blog world...

Well I'm at work right now. It's kind of a slow night. Guess what I have great news... I'm done with Finals!! But I still have my Music History paper re-write due on wednesday, thast going to be brutal.

As I've been sitting here staring at the computer now for 2 1\2 hours, half way through my shift. And something shocking and scary has come to my attention. I think my motor skills are fading. I know this sounds weird, but lately I have found my self, making silly mistakes in my every day activities, such as.. starting to brush my teeth w\out putting toothpaste on the brush.... getting out of the shower w\out rinsing out my hair.. forgetting how to spell my own name. stopping mid sentences because i blank out... its really bad when im on the phone. i dunno. im kinda worried but it could just be the stress of school and everything...

to the end of my rope that i have been on the past few days. F you.

that felt good


im home in pearland t-minus one week and a day. sadly im booking it there ASAP. something about me just longs to be there w\ my friends from back home. BIG TIME. Like Shannon, F and P, Steve M, and even Tamara's family. Even if shes not there. I miss them. I think I'll give them a call tomorrow.

Anyways, back to boredom.

out

didnt mean to

I didnt mean to make you cry, I meant for you to realize that like me, you cant give that much out without taking time to yourself. I know Im the worst person for doing this too, but you know that I love you. You're a great Mom, wonderful friend, and even better wedding planner.

As for wedding stuff. you shouldnt have to take stuff back if she changes her mind. make her do it. and until she does, she cant will have to count the money that went into that as gone. out of the budget. u shouldnt have to work extra hard because she didnt "re-approve". once should be enough

keep up the good work. ure helping me a lot today and last night. THANK YOU

-----------------

to everyone else.
I'm struggling a lot right now with my "path" i guess you can call it, somehow, within a day, im starting to find it.

ps.my dad is great too

What is really important?

What is importance? Is it our minds tricking our lives into thinking that there should be order?
Someone who I care deeply about told me some awakening news this week.

"Emily, When have you ever done something because you wanted to do it. Not because your friends wanted to. Find out what you want from life, and don't waiver from that."

I do know whats most important to me...sad thing is, my priorities arent where they should be.

Instead of it being. "Family, School, then Friends" its "Friends, Family, School". I got it all mixed up. I'm more worried about making good memories, and not missing out on a beat of life than i am, Acing a test, or even getting stuff done ahead of time. The list of stuff I want to do in my life is a mile long. Yet in the past 3 years, I've done nothing to get there. Why is that?

A harsh reality check that was. I dont have mind of my own. The only thing I can remember doing for me is, making my friends happy. Making sure they always have a full glass, they don't have to pay for me, I can make a good joke to brighten their day, and even having opportunities where they wont be alone or have nothing to do.
In the midst of all of that, I find myself on E. for Empty, not for Emily. I've given everything, 110% of my energy into my friends. And I get mad at myself. Because in the end what have I gotten out of it? Great memories, AMAZING ones, chapters of knowledge stored away over useless stuff, a liqour cabinet that is always stocked, a door that is open for everyone, any time of day or night, and yet an empty spot right inside my chest. Thats my "me" time. Problem is, when I have it, I'm still empty.
Its like I'm going in circles. Never quite satisfied with my life. When one thing is good, something else is bad, and vice versa.

I have come to terms that I am a suffocating person. In the midst of me trying to make my friends' lives easier, I've been around too much. Not giving them their freedom. I dont know why.

Once again, I find myself in a mid-mid-life crisis. I just want to run away. and it all be fixed. but nope, thats not life now is it.

So I ask you all...
What does your life mean, where are you going, and who are you doing it for?

It's been a while

Hey there.

Wow, It's been a quite some time since I've past written. Things are well, I guess you could say going right now. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope. I need a vacation like no other. Actually I think I'm about to have a break down. Yup here it goes....
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I just want to run away from everything, all my problems. Not even school related, stupid me falling for my best friend.. Imagine that.

GOD help me

I need a drink

RUDE PEOPLE

Yup folks, you've heard it. I AM a working woman. Not much of a job considering I sit at a computer for 6 hours and stare at the screen. But I'm actually a order taker for pinnochios pizza.

So why you ask thatI write about rude people... Well as you well know, sometimes when you order pizza, it takes a while. sometimes the order is wrong, or even cold. So who do the customers yell at?! Us. the people who plug in numbers and always sound happy. Its quite the game, and humorous to listen to some of them rant and rave but yet i find myself really struggling to sympathize with any of them. I love the nice people. They're so much fun. Make this job entertaining. There is this one couple that calls in every few days and it just puts a smile on my face. Billybob. haha yes thats right billybob. they're fun and polite. very patient and super sweet. they make my job enjoyable. that and the phone center staff is pretty cool too.

well im off to do more homework. later

the truth

I'm not a strong person. I cry a lot over stupid stuff I can't control. I'm scared of being alone yet, no matter what happens, im always by myself. Running around. My family is back home Mom and Dad Shelley and Steve. i'm here, making all of them mad at me for slacking off. I just want to be able to live a life happy, by myself. Not wanting someone in particular or not by my side. I want to be a strong independent person. Who gets her shit done, but i hate being alone. I wish i didnt depend on other people for my happiness. Because thats the truth. I do. I'm only happy when I'm doing stuff to make my friends happy. If I'm doing something for me, i get nothing out of it. I know that doesnt sound possible, but I'm the kind of person to sit here at my computer... Running all these ideas through my head, and nothing will come of them. I have so much I want to do with my life as of rigt now, and yet... no will power to do it? I dont get it. I'm just not happy with where I am in my life right now. Its nothing my friends or family have done, they've been great, buts its me....

Everythign I want to do with my life right now is so overwhelming, becuase I'm to that breaking point, where stuff is starting to fall into place. yet ive been pushing my parents away, for what? No reason once so ever.... I've been trapped into this mindset, that my happiness depended on my best friend\crush. If he was happy I was happy, if he was sad i was sad. Turns out, I was the sad one most of the time... hiding behind a fake smile. And no matter how hard I tried to hide my feelings for him, I ended up yet again left empty. I gave so much to him, emotionally, whether he saw it or not... Now I'm to the point where I have nothing else to give. He prolly still doesnt know. I'm left with nothing now... I have no desire to move on, or to stick with it..I just wanna hide.. embarassed by myself. I dont know how I could have wanted something so bad, to where I was blind to see it could never be mine.

I hate people who try so hard that you see it. Why cant they try hard w\ out showing it. Like i did.... it pisses me off, because it works....
except when I do it

imagine this

Kind of ironic eh?

You Are a Light Pink Rose

You represent sweetness and grace. Your vibe: Kind and gentle Falling in love with you: is like falling in love with a best friend

What Color Rose Are You?

Thank you God

I asked for strength, I'm getting it. God has a sense of humor, just when you think you're at the end of your rope, you either find the other 30 ft u were missing, or you see that you can just hop to the top of another one. Silly Goose.

Life is good

Closer than ever

Where do I begin....

In the stresses of starting school, I have been in the middle of quite a trying time in my life. The first major disagreement with mom and dad. (in my eyes it is). I think I've lucked out, and waited until I was 20 to get one, but even then. Nothing prepares you for this. This not being the arguement, but this being closer than you've ever felt to your parents. The gloves came off, I found their true thoughts about me. And i took a step back to realize, what am I really doing? where is my life going? Although everything I do have figured out seems foggy, it is still settleing down. So what are the answers to what am I really doing, and where am I going? (even if they're foggy). I still think its too soon to tell, but every day I get closer and closer to it. I'm going uphill, for those of you that know me. my life (this summer) has been quite the experience, of being a freakin' baby\chicken. And where has that gotten me? Abso-freakin-lutly nowhere. I'm not going to call it wasted time, because I've learned a lot from it. But time that could have been saved had I gotten over my fears. I did however, use up good praying time on the wrong thing. Kind of like I forgot the actual purpose of prayers... I was reading my bible last night (yeah, thats a whole nother story), and I found myself going back to my notes of how to pray. maybe not how, but what to pray for. What makes praying worthwhile. Its not I hope he sees me standing here with my heart just waiting for him. Its, pray for my Savior, pray for my family, this list gets long, but it goes on for miles.... lets just say, it starts with mom and dad, and goes all the way down to, well pretty much, my 4th cousins. Pray for life, pray as a thank you card to God. Thats just family im praying for. Then i pray for friends. I thank God for them, and for their happiness where-ever they find it. Thats when I get that homey feeling, that God is there. And to conclude my prayers, I pray for my angels, Papa Dennis, Donna, and (this sounds silly) hansel. I thank God, for picking them to come up to his side and watch over us. Then I sing (even if its horrible) this church song called "sanctuary"- its beautiful.

I've never shared my prayer with anyone, and now here I am typing it in my blog. I've become stronger in my faith these past few weeks. Heck, I've been going to church. I'm going tomorrow, by myself. I'm going because I want to. There is so much I don't know. and want to know.

So I end with this.
I know I have a lot of stuff to prove. I'm not doing it for ya'll now. I'm doing it for me. I'm tired of being chicken. I'm ready to be responsible. It might take some time, but like Shelley said. I'm at a turning point, and its up to me to pick which way I'm going.
I'm on the right path. I just need a little bit more time, 20 years is a lot, but some of us need a boost like this to push us over. Its better late than never.

Here is to the path we are all on, Here is to the old paths we've been on. May our mistakes be the lamps that shine on the path ahead, leading us towards our goals. And may our dreams be waiting for us once we're there. - ME

I love you Mom and Shelley- Dad too if he reads this

Hi Denise- I've been thinking about you! :) Love you bunches

praying for the best

So much has been going on.

My family and I still seem on rocky terms, I'm auditioning on Thursday and Friday. School starts monday, and i'm trying my hardest to hold tears back every day.

I need some outside input.
Say you like someone. A WHOLE WHOLE Bunch. Of course, you're too chicken to tell them, but still complain about it. (thats not the point) but the person you like is someone else, and in your eyes, that other person (the liked one) doesn't deserve the attention of the like-ee. make sense? I dont want to be the one to tell him that she's not good enough for him. not to get him with me or anything, but more like anyone but her. its not my place to say who he likes and what not. so this is what im praying for. he finds that out on his own. without getting hurt too badly. i dont like this feeling at all. like i just want to scream it in his face, why shes not good enough. but no. keep my mouth shut, like always. the F*in story of my life.

anyways, any input on this would be great

PS. mom, i know ure tired of hearing this. but damn i cant help it. im trying really hard to get over it, but i cant....

Baby Steps

Well, lets just say the past 2 days have been rough. Last minute change to not do Goin' band this year. just out of miscommunication. My family and I are really working around this. Me making a decision like that without consulting them, them getting furious at me for that, then me getting upset with their idea of fixing it. All in all to say " i love you" at the end of the day. I love my parents for caring so much. But I do feel that I'm too dependent on them. Moreso than Shelley ever was.

Baby steps. guess what, I'm running now. well kinda a mix between a slow jog and trot kinda thing. I go about 2 miles not sure on how long it takes. but I can do it. I like it because I've gotten better every time...plus i have some good friends there helping me along.

School starts up on the 28th. I'm excited\ nervous. been going through a lot of stuff w\ mom about me getting tested for ADD. Scary..yes. I'm gonna try and get that done here soon. I fear that its going to be bad.

I need to say something. Just get it off my chest. Mostly to my family....
Mom, Dad, and Shelley.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the past few months I haven't been devoting enough time to ya'll. I'm sorry if ya'll feel I'm putting friends over ya'll. I'm sorry for making you mad, stressed, and sad. My priorities have been skewed and it took a stern conversation with mom for me to realize that I am struggling to find my way. I want to make ya'll proud, I want to make you happy. But sometimes I feel what makes you happy isn't what makes me happy. I love the praise I get for being a talented musician. But thats it. My grades don't deserve praise, I don't keep my house as clean as shelley did, I just sit here and take ya'lls money and get spoiled. I'm sorry. I'm taking charge now. The three of ya'll have done too much for me. And I don't deserve it. Here is to this semester, may I make ya'll proud, laugh, smile, and cry (in good ways). I love you (steve too).
Em

*** I'm doing this for me, to prove that I am worthy****