Sunshine and Summertime

This weekend marks the best news I've received in a while. WARM weather is coming! Today and yesterday I could drive with my windows down and wear flip flops without feeling like a fool.

I look forward to summer and sunshine. Moreso, I find more anticipation of contest being over. Not that I'm prepared for it by any means, I just am ready for the weight to be lifted off my shoulders.

I hope that these next 9 weeks go by quickly, mama needs a summer vacation, like fish needs water.

I finally feel as if I got rest this weekend, and I'm very grateful. Granny Jackie isn't out of the woods yet, but we'll just have to be patient for her to heal. Sometimes, I fear, that patience runs thin within myself.


Mom and I are trying to get summer cruise booked for a family trip. I haven't cruised with Mom and Dad in over a year!

Maybe we'll get something booked by the end of this week.


Hope all is well.
E

Super parents

 Hello all, I greet you from an exhausted state and the comfort of my bed. Tonight marks the closure to one of the most challenging weekends I've experienced and the beginning of massive caregiving from my dad/mom.

My 81 year old grandmother took a spill off a step ladder this last Thursday evening. Praise The Lord, nothing is broken/torn, just bruised. 

Since my grandfather has passed away, all care-giving is now passed on to my aunts and my mother, to make sure Jackie is well taken care of.

Unfortunately, my aunts have a bit of a disadvantage to caregiving with the distance from other states, but luckily there are still a few of us here in Texas that can assist in the case of emergency. 

This weekend I was exposed to a harsh reality with my grandma. Life as an 80+ year old is extremely fragile, and even with no broken bones, damage can be done that would (to a 28 year old) seem minor. 

This weekend I witnessed the uber-strength of my father. Let me just outline his schedule from Thursday-Monday....

-Thursday: 5:30a-12:30a. ( he came my my band concert which means the world to me),

-Friday: 5:30a-11:45p (with a stop to the ER to take care of granny)

-Saturday: 6:00a-11:45p (which includes 8 hours of driving) 

-Sunday: 5:00a-11:00pm cooking/cleaning/medicating my grandma 

Monday- 4:00a-11:00pm doctors appointment, cooking, cleaning, and medicating my grandma. (Two hours driving home, and two hours talking with mom while she drives to Victoria) AND taking care of work at the same time.....

Superman indeed.

Now there is my mom, who is queen of cruising but has never encountered a trip ending like today with the oil spill...

She spent all day, waiting to get off the ship, so she can go help her mom. Who has swallowed her pride and officially accepted the fact that she can no longer do whatever she wants to do when she feels like it.

I know many of my Facebook/ blog peeps will think that's stupid to defend, but coming from a person who lives with an 80 year old, it's a tough pill to swallow to say "I can't". Specially when you've been able to, so long. 

Let me put this in terms that made it way easier for me to get past my anger towards a stupid decision....

Hypothetical: you're a parent of an 8 year old, who jumps out of a tree and breaks his arm (after you told him not to). Are you mad at him? Hell, yes. But do you abandon him in a time of need, no.

So as much as I'm frustrated with having to accommodate my stubborn grandma's actions, I know that she's being cared for as a stubborn 8 year old would. He/she doesn't know they can't do it, even though I know the truth.

A harsh reality for them, and annoying to clean up their consequences, but such is the circle of life.

My parents are great. They might have their quirks and obsessions, but they're teaching me wonderful life lessons along the way, and I'm grateful.

Prayers for my grandmother are appreciated. Praises for my parents are also welcome.

I pray you never have to see your own grandparents in the state I saw mine.

E

Dream Bigger

When I graduated High school, one of my best friends gave me a photo of a home I fell in love with while we were looking at Christmas lights one year. Around the picture frame it says "DREAM - shoot for the moon, that-away, if you fall, you'll land amongst the stars" I sleep with this photo on my night stand. However I don't always remember to look at it and apply it to my life.

This evening I talked with Mom over some delicious Marble Slab about this picture, and how its reminding me to have a dream.
In my last posts, they haven't been very positive, because I've felt a lot of negativity inside my own mind, yet I find myself now, encouraged. (When it comes to work) -
These next few weeks are going to be extremely challenging for me, late nights, long rehearsals and many things to take care of before competitions begin April 8-9.
I'm comforted by the fact, that when it's all said and done, I will be able to say "I gave it my all". That is reassuring that I know I'm doing enough.

"I want to dream as big as a I can, so if I don't make my goal, I know it'll still be awesome" - Emily Boedeker

A Rut

Hello long lost blog world, I just got my laptop back out since a while, and I'm passing time before I meet my friend Shannon and her boyfriend for an early dinner.
I'm in quite of a rut at the moment with a lot going on. Work is extremely busy and I find myself being bogged down by it. I'm not sure if I can handle the pressure that comes with it, and that breaks my heart. I want to be the best at my job, and this one is just so challenging, I don't know if I can ever be the best.
I'm going on a cruise in 15 days, so I guess I could "cheer" up by packing. I so look forward to traveling away, even if its brief. I can't wait to get on board the ship and sigh a breath of relief before come back to work for chaotic contest season.

Well, I know this is brief, but I must look for something else to keep my attention.

Em

Am I broken

Sometimes i feel broken. Like there is something wrong with me

A Man and His Dog

Every morning when I leave the hotel, I walk out the last to go across the Danube bypass into the InnerStadt. The past several mornings on this walk, I've crossed paths with this older man and his Chow on their morning walk. Being the dog lover I am, I smile kindly at the man, and then at his dog (who I've named chow in my mind), with out much exchange in acknowledgement from either of them. 

This morning, I was bundled up in my lime green fleece, and was making my way to the Stadt, when I once again see my morning commute colleagues. However, Chow isn't on his usual leash, and Mr. Chow is investigating a shiny new electronic car parked on our street. When our paths cross, I look up at Mr. Chow and smile my usual morning smile, and like old friends he tells me "Morgan" as in "mornin'" in the states. For the first time in the 4 days I see he's a kind gentleman, soft blue eyes, defeating the cold so chow can get his morning walk in. 

Mr. Chow, whoever you are, you make Vienna all that more special to me. A complete stranger who I know nothing about, you are magnificent.

I love this city, I may have to move here some day.

-Em  

Tears of wonder

Today, as I walked through the Jewish museum here in Vienna, I well up in tears. The overwhelming knowledge that is available in this city brings me to my knees. In that same museum, I saw the gut wrenching uncut yellow stars stating "JUDE" on them, and in the same museum I see the exact musical score Wagner took notes on of his performance. 

Next museum, of historical instruments, I'm reduced to puddles seeing instruments Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms, and Haydn performed on for big audiences and a small amount of guests.

You must come to Vienna. All of you. 

Searching for the routine

Hello again, blog world. I post this update from the comfort of a bubble bath. Yes, electronics and water don't mix, but with my new life proof case on my phone, it can handle the "whoops" if it decides to make a splash.

Today is Labor Day, and I can't be more thankful for the time off. Yes, I know school just started, however this past week I have felt very overwhelmed. 

First of all, I really truly love directing. I haven't had this much fun teaching, in a very long time. While I don't regret sticking out the past years at my old job, I can't imagine trying to "tough it out" anymore. Not when I know how much fun it should be. I'm anxious to really develop a work schedule/routine. That should happen this week, thankfully. I do have fears though, I hope I can contribute to the band program as I am expected to do, and that the commute to work won't weigh down on me too much. Luckily the drive is an easy one, just takes time. 

Working towards a goal: one thing I am already enjoying about the job is that there are well paced goals throughout the year. October 24 is our first concert, November 1, we play with the high school band at a football game, December has a couple Christmas concerts. This helps me with pacing of my lessons and rehearsals. 

81 days till I'm off to Vienna! Yes, I've booked my trip! I'm beyond excited for this quick adventure that is to happen. Nov. 22-30 I'll be in the city of music! Walking the Danube, visiting some jazz taverns I've researched, and hopefully hearing a concert or two. Just me and my suitcase, the way I've dreamt to do it!

Unfortunately, I'm still victim of these monstrous headaches since the accident. Not sure how to fix them besides waiting. It's very irritating, but I don't have time to waste trying to find a solution. There is work to be done. Hopefully sooner than later I'll get relief.

That is all I have for now, 

dream Big

Pray often

Wish well

Em

August Update

Hello there blog world. I write this update from the night before my first real day on the job, tomorrow. It will be new teacher orientation this week at my new job. I'm looking forward to meeting other new teachers, along with getting more acquainted with the area I will be teaching in, since its quite further from my current stomping grounds.

I'm still working on options for my Thanksgiving travels, but I feel like I will end up in Vienna Austria. So much music history there, art history, and different culture. Seems like a great place to spend my first solo week in Europe. Airfare seems reasonable and renting an apartment for the week, should be the best space for the money. Along with that, I will be able to cook to save money while there. Will probably book that at the end of September.

- photo from Facebook

I mean come on! Austria is gorgeous!

 

 

Unfortunately I was in my first automobile accident on August 2nd, a guy in his truck pulled out in front of me, while making a left turn into a business driveway. It was his fault, but unfortunately my car was pretty much totaled. I will find out this week if his insurance company will claim it as a total loss. :( Bruised up and a concussion, luckily, today is the best my head has felt all week. Not 100% but I am definitely on the mend. THANK GOD.

 

 

 

 

Other than starting my new job, thinking of Austria, and recovering from the accident, that is what I've been up to. Looking forward to the new things and changes happening. It's like a new start, a new life.

 

Hell, I'm getting a new car, it seems appropriate. LOL

 

 



Priorities and Passion (another long post)

I've had some quiet time to myself this morning, sipping on a few cups of coffee, researching more potential travel locations for Thanksgiving week. As with any trip I take, I make sure to assess my budget. Money is something I try my best to maintain control of, but also spend regularly. I know this isn't a great response to why I do this, but my true answer is "Why Not?". Of course, that got me thinking about the "why" and I realize, it all comes down to priorities and passions.

I was rarely a straight A student, if I was, it was in Elementary School. Learning never really came easily to me, until the latter part of my time at Texas Tech University. As I've grown older, I have found, that I retain more information or knowledge by witnessing\experiencing lessons. Now, being an educator and having many educator friends, I can already hear that "DUH, that is why hands on lessons are the best for students to learn. I'm not necessarily talking about x= -b\ac -2y  or how to properly indent a cover letter, I'm talking about understanding life, cultures, people, and history. I might not remember the exact year the USS Alabama was active in battles (sometime in the 40s I believe), but I do remember the feeling of the cramped quarters, the heat of the dining area, the size of the weapons on the outer decks. (Does that make sense?)

Seeing as I'm 27, single, employed, and a homeowner, I have a lot of priorities set already. I have to work, to pay for my house, and to fund one of my passions, learning.

Learning is my creme-d-la-creme, my lifeline, reason for existence, essentially. I've found that I love learning, however, as an adult my favorite kind of learning happens when I'm not in a classroom, but experiencing it (see the theme here), To achieve my love, I travel. I'm not saying that Texas, or Houston doesn't offer enough learning experiences for me, but the topics I want to learn about are elsewhere.
I want to learn, what it's like to stay in a place that has hundreds or thousands of years of history, what it is like to not live USA, what it is like to be able to travel through several countries in a week. I want to learn about other Universities, lifestyles of people who are different. I want find the similarities in my culture and theirs. I want to experience the different foods, smells, traditions, and even friendships.

I love music, I love teaching music. When I'm not daydreaming about my dream travels, I'm thinking of music. Witnessing it, embracing it, and sharing it. I've found in every place I've been (in my life), music is a constant, I know I'm probably speaking what millions of others have said, but it is true. If I can inspire my students to seek music in every aspect of their life, whether it be at home, on vacation, in their rooms, or even in their minds. I've done my job as a music educator.

I suppose I'm the luckiest woman in the world. I teach and share music because it is my passion, my reward for sharing that is to travel and LEARN. Which happens to be my second passion.


I don't care who you are, that is freakin' awesome.

-Em

Little Helena while I was writing this post: (foster dog- with Dachshund Rescue of Houston)

Thoughts and Ramblings

This morning, when my alarm went off for me to go to work, something didn't seem right. Maybe it was my dreams last night, maybe it was something I ate yesterday, but whatever it was- put me in a funk.

I spent yesterday down at Freeport, getting my contract signed and visiting with my new Head Director, Linda. I think she and I are going to make a great team. We have our schedules for the year mapped out (as best we can), and I'm looking forward to getting started as a Band Director.

However, I think part of my funk this morning is that I am terrified. I'm not a huge advocate of change, even though I'm the first person to book any vacation to a country or place POLAR opposite as to what I'm used to, however I've disected it today, to realize this:

I love traveling because it removes me from my "routine" and forces me to relinquish control.

Lately, I've been obsessed with trying to book another trip, and this is why:

Change is happening in my life, a BIG change. 1 hour commute, older students, more time outside the school day, and starting from scratch. This is WAYYYYYYY different than what I've been accustomed to the past 4 years, teaching Elementary School. I feel as if I have no mental capacity to comprehend how my life will change. How different will my paychecks be? Will the commute become too much for me? Will I even like it? Will I live up to the expectations of the people who hired me?

So why do I want to book a trip? When I book a trip, I elect to get away from my routine, I enjoy it because I know my routine will be home when I return. Right now, my routine doesn't exist as I'm waiting for the school year to start, so I'm trying to find something I can control- aka. Traveling.

Does that make any sense? It does to me inside my mind, just don't know if I put it into words correctly.

I'm pretty much the Queen of running away, booking a trip right now, puts a bandaid on the fact I'm scared of my new career. I'm excited, don't get me wrong, but the change is intimidating.

So there you have it, more ramblings from me.

-Em

New Job - New Beginnings

I guess a later date has arrived.

This past February (as you have probably read in my posts), I came to terms with the fact that I needed a change in my career. My heart was torn between what I knew, and what I wanted. What I knew wasn't what I needed, but if you know me, you know that change isn't something easy for me.

After several interviews, and possible job opportunities, I was approached by a former Band Director in my High School days, about a new job position open not too far from home (but still a little commute). I offered my resume to be given to that head director, and went through the interview process there, and everything worked from there. I am the new assistant band director at Freeport Intermediate. I will direct the second band at the Intermediate school (grade 7-8) and teach 3 beginning brass classes at the Middle school (5-6).

Tomorrow I head down to Freeport (hour drive) to sign my contract, get my health insurance all set up, and then I will spend the afternoon with Linda, the Head Director I will be working with.

I'm looking forward to this new adventure. I hope the transition from Elementary Music teacher to Secondary Band Director isn't too difficult, and I enjoy it as much as I remember enjoying it in College.

That is all for now.

I will hopefully be taking a big vacation this Thanksgiving break over seas. But I won't know that for sure, until I get my schedule this week...

I love the possibility of booking a trip. Specially a big one!

Em
*pic- walking streets of San Juan Puerto Rico*

Carnival Liberty

Hello dear friends and family. I know I don't post on here near enough, specially compared to last summer.

This summer didn't have a long road trip, but it did include a week long cruise (shocker) aboard the Carnival Liberty.

Now, first and foremost, I like to say my addiction to traveling is imbedded deep within my heart and each time I have an amazing vacation, it gets worse.

This cruise was by far the best cruise of my life. It was number 33 or 34 (yes, I'm a little grey on my numbers) and it blew me away.

1st - "Cheers " drink package--> AMAZING
2nd - crew\staff were --> BEYOND AMAZING
3rd- Ship --> Stunning
4th- Stops\Itinerary --> FANTASTIC (even with a change because of Tropical Storm Chantal)
5th- People --> Met AMAZING people


This cruise had it all, I hope to stay in contact with my new friends and maybe feed my travel addiction some by going to see them in their respective places of the world. I only hope my next cruise is as fantastic as this one. It will be a hard one to beat.

PS. I have a new job. (b

ut that is another post, for a later time)

A special lady

I make this post as I'm riding down highway 45 with Mom, Dad, and Shelley. We're headed home from a weekend at Texas Motor Speedway. As always we had a wonderful time way hung the races, relaxing and enjoying time together.

On Friday, Shelley celebrated her 29th birthday. As we're driving right now and I'm listening to my iPod, I am reflective of who this woman is.

My sister is incredible. A true person of her word, woman of reason, woman of leadership, and of love.
There aren't many people in this world that I respect more than her.
I've cried with her, laughed with her, hated her, loved her, been angry with, missed terribly, and even been mean to her. However, through every single emotional thing we've been through, she is the same Shelley that threw a mud pie in my fave 23 years ago.

I know most of my friends and people have siblings that are incredible, but there is sadness in my heart because I really feel like I got the jack pot.

So, to my incredible woman, Shelley. Happy birthday, love you with all my heart. You're my best friend, my sister, my other half.

Malice, anger, ignorance, sadness

I make this post, as I a.m. heading down Highway 10 west headed for Marblefalls for Easter. With the help of Siri and wonderful voice to text device I can post this safely knowing that I'm clearing my mind. I really really really really really wish that I was posting about something happier, unfortunately with my situation at work I am currently struggling to find any happiness inside of my life. Through many struggles of student behavior, unhappy coworkers, and an unhappy experience for myself I have found that I really do struggle with any bright side of my life. I really wish there were other circumstances to talk about like I said.
Maliciousness is a very very ugly thing. I wish I did not have malice in my heart, I remember there was this wonderful "I saw on TV somewhere however I do not remember it.
Ignorance is another thing that I'm struggling with, most people that I like to affiliate with be around our people who are nice work time and who are knowledgeable however I have found in the most recent of months, that people matter how well educated they are, or Seem have really taken a turn for the worse.
From long talks with my coworkers in enjoying the times in conversations with them unfortunately it has switched into a struggle to even be in the same room at some of them, I hate to say that because it used to be so good but things have just changed. I went from enjoying getting to work every morning, to crying whenever I go home. I've also gone from looking forward to spending time with people to just wanted to be by myself. I look for and try to find solitude in the people I'm closest to however that does nothing but piss other people off.
That wraps up my rent for right now I will go for more details later. I hope I have a safe trip, and I hope you have a lovely Easter I'm happy to be away from Pasadena. I am sure there are many typos on here, like I said I am driving right now so I will not take the time to try to read what I said. I will come back later on this evening and or tomorrow and will decide what typos were made and correct them if need be if not I hope you understand what I said. Laters, E

What to do, What to do.

I haven't jumped off the blog bandwagon, just been busy. Still trying to figure my shit out!

I'm slowly getting to the core of "Me" (long post)

Hello again, everyone. I know my second blog in a week. WATCH OUT!


Once again, I find myself with lots on my mind. BIG things on my mind. Life altering ideas running through my head.
This morning I woke up having had a wonderful dream of PaPa Dale. I miss that man so much. I had walked outside out of a building, and there he was. Standing there just like it was yesterday. He looks up and sees me, and he smiles ear to ear. I run to him, as fast as I can and wrap my arms around his neck. It's my adult mind, but physically I'm 8 year old Emily. He's 80 year old Papa also. I sit here almost sobbing because it felt so real. I miss his wisdom, his conviction to let me know that I'm always doing the right thing, even through my mistakes. I wish he could be sitting here, across the table from me. Listening to all my concerns and ideas, he would give me the right advice I need to hear.

Why do people who have such major influences in our lives have to leave so soon? I could really use that hug again. A part of me wants to go back to sleep so I can try to relive it.

There is much uncertainty in my life right now, and I'm really REALLY struggling with how to cope with it.

I have the desire to move. I've finally mentioned this to my mom this morning as she checks in with me while on her cruise.

In order to move, I need to find out what career path I intend on taking this next year or two and see what I need to do to get where I want to be.

This thought just came to me.... Life by yourself is difficult. Not because of compromise (I get it, I don't have to compromise with anyone, really) but because of options. Too many options to be exact. Couples who are together make decisions based on each other. If Shelley wasn't married to Steve, would she compromise to move to Colorado? Probably not, then again she might not be living here anyways. However, she and Steve are married and have a lovely bundle of joy, would it be easier to stay here? Of course, but they are compromising a move to ensure that Evie grows up with the best life possible.
My life has no compromise. It's scary.

I'm not saying that making a decision based on a child or spouse\partner is an easier one or is more "glamorous by any means. Each has its own demons.

Life is hard when you find yourself so removed from any "rough draft" outline you've ever had about your destiny. I don't mean my life is miserable because I'm single and living with my grandma. (granted I have days like that, but this isn't one of them)
It's: I'm educated, I don't have to compromise, and I'm unhappy, so what do I do to fix it.

1. Job. Teaching has been the most educational experience I've had in my life (aside from driving around the US for a month by myself). Every day I have the opportunity to give a child the best day of their life. To make the coolest memory they'll always remember. (Singing Eidle Weiss in my 3rd grade play) Kids run up to me and hug me on a daily basis, I get old stickers, traced drawings, invites to come to their houses, and I've been called "Mom" more times that I'd like to admit.
I've also been hit, pinched, bit, spit on, kicked, run into, cursed, screamed at, and hated. Lately, I've found myself struggling to remember the good. When I wake up in the morning I think, "another day of trying to get students to just follow directions" "how can I make a difference in these kids lives, if all I do is tell them to sit down, keep their hands to themselves, and walk in a line".
I guess the bigger picture is that I show them, that even when I'm frustrated I keep coming back, even if they get time out - I will be sure to hug them in the hall way, just because they do something wrong, doesn't mean I don't notice when they do something right.
My heart breaks, because slowly but surely, that's not enough for me anymore. Something is missing. I know I'm making an impact on these children's lives. My lessons are probably the most organized and best lessons I've ever taught in the past 4 years, but I'm afraid my impact on them doesn't outweigh their impact on me. I leave work in tears, tired, worn out, and sad. Deep down I have the feeling that I'm not using my own personal skills to the best of their ability. I want a job, that takes my personality traits and uses it for the better good of other people. Does that make any sense blog reader? I hope so. It kind of does to me.  So what do I do about this? I keep teaching for now, even through the tears and sadness, there are glimpses of the "passion" for teaching I had last year. These students are learning each day from me, if they can see me as a "duck on a pond" then I'm doing my job. They don't need to know about my struggles with them, they need to see a consistent face in front of them each day, willing to keep trying to help them succeed. Maybe that's the biggest education I can give them.
As for myself, my research begins... What options do I have for a career? I did some preliminary research this morning on amazon and found a book that has great words of encouragement for people with my degree. I purchased the book.
More updates to come on this.
Please know: the section is all based on my opinion. I, Emily Boedeker, reserve all rights to these statements.

2. Location. I love Houston. It is home to me, and has been for most of my life. However, with the way things are going right now, I'm considering a change of locale. Where? That's a good question. I'm very interested in small town life. I enjoy trucks, deer, hole-in-the-wall places, and antique stores. I've begun looking up real estate in Llano TX. I wouldn't mind living in Fredericksberg either. But Ive just started looking this morning and Llano was the first place I searched. Granted this all rests upon the above "Job" section, so that's just left me to look around.

3. The DOOZY. Friends and family. A wise co-worker once told me "if you don't have family, then what do you have". That has stuck with me these past few months. A lot of my uncertainty as you've figured or read in my last post, is based on the people I love and care about the most. 90% of them are all related or closely in connection with each other. I have amazing people in my life. My sister, my best friend, my rock, my conscience, my mentor, my verbal punching bag, my lifeline. My best friend who puts up with my German stubbornness. My Mom who is as close to me as anyone can get, and will be happy to tell me like it is, even when I don't want to hear it. My Dad, (I tear up) the reason why I literally just up and walked away from Lance. My dad has shown me what I deserve in a man, and even though it hurts, walk away from someone who doesn't give that to me. Steve, my bro-in-law who is probably the most like me than I'd like to admit. My Crystal, I only knew her face to face for 10 months and I can't imagine life without her. My coworkers, my team, my rock, my best friends. Why would I consider moving from them? Right now it sounds crazy, distance is hard on friendships\relationships, across the country, down the hall, or in another city. I don't the answer to that one. Not yet, at least.


So what do I do about all this inner turmoil now that I've undoubtedly shared WAY to much with the cyber world? I don't know. But each time I put it in writing I feel better, like my thoughts are more organized. Guess Dr. Perminiter was ahead of her time. She told me once, "Sometimes we go through life with our pitcher empty, it takes time but we can fill our pitchers back up"

Desperately trying to figure it out,
E.

Where do I begin?

Hello everyone. I'm not sure where to begin.

On this warm January 27, I'm sitting in my PJs watching the pro-bowl at my parent's house. I'm dog sitting Tucker and Perry Mason while they are on the Carnival Magic for Mom's birthday cruise.

I enjoy the pro-bowl because the players just seem to have fun. I like that its not a stressful game, just fun.

There has been a lot on my mind\plate lately. I've become a hermit because of it. Its been weeks since I've "gone out" with friends, just been sitting at home or hanging with my family.
I don't care for airing out my dirty laundry in the cyber world, but I do feel like blogging about the generalities might be therapeutic.


My Burdens:
-Men. I dare post his name on here: Lance ended up not being the man for me. After our talk on the 1st, he and I continued in the middle area and even attempted a small trip together. However plans fell through, last minute. We went out for drinks after that, and I've never heard from him since. A tough pill to swallow, I deleted his number after my last text message went unanswered. A tearful evening that was, but it was for the best. I haven't cried any more, and I'm thinking that could be a contributing factor to my dark days lately.

-Colorado. A state I actually enjoy, think it is beautiful and I like to visit. But right now its the state from hell. A potential move for my sister, brother-in-law, and princess neice. This is still in negotiation with my brother-in-law's company. But my heart is shattered. My brain knows that this is best for them and their little family, but my heart is selfish as you see in these posts. I do know that my lack of social life with friends being taken over by family time is because I want to make sure Evie knows her auntie Em loves her more than anyone else in the world. Even more than myself.

-Work. Parts of work. Thats all I have to say about that.

- Retirement. Mom and Dad have mentioned retirement more and more lately. This is not a burden exactly, because I'm so excited that Dad would finally have the opportunity to move to Marble Falls the way he's dreamt about for the past 10 years. My concerns is with the Colorado move, them moving. I'm left here.

-Friends. I have some incredible people in my life. There are few that I've kept heavy on my heart these past few weeks. Once again, brain knows to be supportive and a set of ears. My heart is selfish and wants everyone home and\or doing the right thing.

-Myself. I wish I had the desire to get back to the gym like I was a couple years ago. I think I'm getting close to getting there because its been on my heart so much. Something I know I can fix instantly. 90% of life is showing up, 10% is what you do once you're there. So I guess walking into the doors would be the best first step to solve this burden.

-House. I love my house, it's perfect for me. I just feel like its not mine. Not sure why, it just doesn't feel like mine. Wonder what I could do to feel that way.

My Blessings:
-Family. Even with the geography of my family possibly changing, I'm super blessed to have a family I'm so close to, to even been upset if they move.

-Friends. Like I said, I have a great support group around me and really wonderful people who listen to me when I complain, laugh with me when I'm not, and come to me for help.

-Home. I love my house, its not perfect but its home.

-Job. Even on my worst days, I try to remember that there is someone out there that would give their right arm to have a school year's worth of "rough days" than not have a job. -I need to repeat this every day-

So blog world, there you have it. A rough outline as to what's been going on in my life. My head hurts after writing this. Feel free to offer input, I will try to update on how I overcome these burdens and add more things to my blessings list.

Off to bed.
Mallet Madness at work this week... breathing.

E.

Break Down over

Hello everyone, I apologize for my break down-blog post new years eve

Was really frustrated.


Well, all in all--- I finally asked the question to said "Boy- thats a friend- but not my boyfriend" last night.

Now I still didnt get a straight answer from him (ugh) but I feel so much better having had the converstation of "what are we? I would rather be with you than with anyone else... I don't need anything to change, but just knowing that this has the potential to become something more" conversation.

So, thats where I'm at. I came clean and told him where I'm at in this "relationship", so we'll see if he amps up his game--> we'll see.


I'm the most patient person I know, but I know he's worth it.

New Year's Eve

I hate New Year's Eve.

It's a dreadful holiday\celebration that does nothing but remind me that each year I'm in the exact same place as I was the year before.

I'm bitter this evening, as I am every New Year's Eve.
Damned if I go out and get to see the lovely reminder of being 26 and single, or I can stay away from that and stay home and once again be reminded that I, Emily Boedeker, still don't have a person to celebrate with at midnight.

Good freakin' riddance I say.

Even then, its better than going out and drinking too much and then trying to drive home when the cops are working over time to make sure everyone stays safe.

I have no words for how I feel this year. You would think after 5 months of dating someone, he would want to spend new year's eve with you... but no.

I'm done. So freaking done.

I'm ready to run away, be gone for a long time again. I'm mad at myself because I've forgotten who I was when I came back from my trip this summer. What happened to me? I came back and BOOM, met a man who I honestly thought was the ONE I was going to marry. I'm a freaking idiot. Good RIDDANCE...
Screw New Year's. I hope yours was better than mine.