It's been a while

Hey there.

Wow, It's been a quite some time since I've past written. Things are well, I guess you could say going right now. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope. I need a vacation like no other. Actually I think I'm about to have a break down. Yup here it goes....
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I just want to run away from everything, all my problems. Not even school related, stupid me falling for my best friend.. Imagine that.

GOD help me

I need a drink

RUDE PEOPLE

Yup folks, you've heard it. I AM a working woman. Not much of a job considering I sit at a computer for 6 hours and stare at the screen. But I'm actually a order taker for pinnochios pizza.

So why you ask thatI write about rude people... Well as you well know, sometimes when you order pizza, it takes a while. sometimes the order is wrong, or even cold. So who do the customers yell at?! Us. the people who plug in numbers and always sound happy. Its quite the game, and humorous to listen to some of them rant and rave but yet i find myself really struggling to sympathize with any of them. I love the nice people. They're so much fun. Make this job entertaining. There is this one couple that calls in every few days and it just puts a smile on my face. Billybob. haha yes thats right billybob. they're fun and polite. very patient and super sweet. they make my job enjoyable. that and the phone center staff is pretty cool too.

well im off to do more homework. later

the truth

I'm not a strong person. I cry a lot over stupid stuff I can't control. I'm scared of being alone yet, no matter what happens, im always by myself. Running around. My family is back home Mom and Dad Shelley and Steve. i'm here, making all of them mad at me for slacking off. I just want to be able to live a life happy, by myself. Not wanting someone in particular or not by my side. I want to be a strong independent person. Who gets her shit done, but i hate being alone. I wish i didnt depend on other people for my happiness. Because thats the truth. I do. I'm only happy when I'm doing stuff to make my friends happy. If I'm doing something for me, i get nothing out of it. I know that doesnt sound possible, but I'm the kind of person to sit here at my computer... Running all these ideas through my head, and nothing will come of them. I have so much I want to do with my life as of rigt now, and yet... no will power to do it? I dont get it. I'm just not happy with where I am in my life right now. Its nothing my friends or family have done, they've been great, buts its me....

Everythign I want to do with my life right now is so overwhelming, becuase I'm to that breaking point, where stuff is starting to fall into place. yet ive been pushing my parents away, for what? No reason once so ever.... I've been trapped into this mindset, that my happiness depended on my best friend\crush. If he was happy I was happy, if he was sad i was sad. Turns out, I was the sad one most of the time... hiding behind a fake smile. And no matter how hard I tried to hide my feelings for him, I ended up yet again left empty. I gave so much to him, emotionally, whether he saw it or not... Now I'm to the point where I have nothing else to give. He prolly still doesnt know. I'm left with nothing now... I have no desire to move on, or to stick with it..I just wanna hide.. embarassed by myself. I dont know how I could have wanted something so bad, to where I was blind to see it could never be mine.

I hate people who try so hard that you see it. Why cant they try hard w\ out showing it. Like i did.... it pisses me off, because it works....
except when I do it

imagine this

Kind of ironic eh?

You Are a Light Pink Rose

You represent sweetness and grace. Your vibe: Kind and gentle Falling in love with you: is like falling in love with a best friend

What Color Rose Are You?

Thank you God

I asked for strength, I'm getting it. God has a sense of humor, just when you think you're at the end of your rope, you either find the other 30 ft u were missing, or you see that you can just hop to the top of another one. Silly Goose.

Life is good

Closer than ever

Where do I begin....

In the stresses of starting school, I have been in the middle of quite a trying time in my life. The first major disagreement with mom and dad. (in my eyes it is). I think I've lucked out, and waited until I was 20 to get one, but even then. Nothing prepares you for this. This not being the arguement, but this being closer than you've ever felt to your parents. The gloves came off, I found their true thoughts about me. And i took a step back to realize, what am I really doing? where is my life going? Although everything I do have figured out seems foggy, it is still settleing down. So what are the answers to what am I really doing, and where am I going? (even if they're foggy). I still think its too soon to tell, but every day I get closer and closer to it. I'm going uphill, for those of you that know me. my life (this summer) has been quite the experience, of being a freakin' baby\chicken. And where has that gotten me? Abso-freakin-lutly nowhere. I'm not going to call it wasted time, because I've learned a lot from it. But time that could have been saved had I gotten over my fears. I did however, use up good praying time on the wrong thing. Kind of like I forgot the actual purpose of prayers... I was reading my bible last night (yeah, thats a whole nother story), and I found myself going back to my notes of how to pray. maybe not how, but what to pray for. What makes praying worthwhile. Its not I hope he sees me standing here with my heart just waiting for him. Its, pray for my Savior, pray for my family, this list gets long, but it goes on for miles.... lets just say, it starts with mom and dad, and goes all the way down to, well pretty much, my 4th cousins. Pray for life, pray as a thank you card to God. Thats just family im praying for. Then i pray for friends. I thank God for them, and for their happiness where-ever they find it. Thats when I get that homey feeling, that God is there. And to conclude my prayers, I pray for my angels, Papa Dennis, Donna, and (this sounds silly) hansel. I thank God, for picking them to come up to his side and watch over us. Then I sing (even if its horrible) this church song called "sanctuary"- its beautiful.

I've never shared my prayer with anyone, and now here I am typing it in my blog. I've become stronger in my faith these past few weeks. Heck, I've been going to church. I'm going tomorrow, by myself. I'm going because I want to. There is so much I don't know. and want to know.

So I end with this.
I know I have a lot of stuff to prove. I'm not doing it for ya'll now. I'm doing it for me. I'm tired of being chicken. I'm ready to be responsible. It might take some time, but like Shelley said. I'm at a turning point, and its up to me to pick which way I'm going.
I'm on the right path. I just need a little bit more time, 20 years is a lot, but some of us need a boost like this to push us over. Its better late than never.

Here is to the path we are all on, Here is to the old paths we've been on. May our mistakes be the lamps that shine on the path ahead, leading us towards our goals. And may our dreams be waiting for us once we're there. - ME

I love you Mom and Shelley- Dad too if he reads this

Hi Denise- I've been thinking about you! :) Love you bunches

praying for the best

So much has been going on.

My family and I still seem on rocky terms, I'm auditioning on Thursday and Friday. School starts monday, and i'm trying my hardest to hold tears back every day.

I need some outside input.
Say you like someone. A WHOLE WHOLE Bunch. Of course, you're too chicken to tell them, but still complain about it. (thats not the point) but the person you like is someone else, and in your eyes, that other person (the liked one) doesn't deserve the attention of the like-ee. make sense? I dont want to be the one to tell him that she's not good enough for him. not to get him with me or anything, but more like anyone but her. its not my place to say who he likes and what not. so this is what im praying for. he finds that out on his own. without getting hurt too badly. i dont like this feeling at all. like i just want to scream it in his face, why shes not good enough. but no. keep my mouth shut, like always. the F*in story of my life.

anyways, any input on this would be great

PS. mom, i know ure tired of hearing this. but damn i cant help it. im trying really hard to get over it, but i cant....

Baby Steps

Well, lets just say the past 2 days have been rough. Last minute change to not do Goin' band this year. just out of miscommunication. My family and I are really working around this. Me making a decision like that without consulting them, them getting furious at me for that, then me getting upset with their idea of fixing it. All in all to say " i love you" at the end of the day. I love my parents for caring so much. But I do feel that I'm too dependent on them. Moreso than Shelley ever was.

Baby steps. guess what, I'm running now. well kinda a mix between a slow jog and trot kinda thing. I go about 2 miles not sure on how long it takes. but I can do it. I like it because I've gotten better every time...plus i have some good friends there helping me along.

School starts up on the 28th. I'm excited\ nervous. been going through a lot of stuff w\ mom about me getting tested for ADD. Scary..yes. I'm gonna try and get that done here soon. I fear that its going to be bad.

I need to say something. Just get it off my chest. Mostly to my family....
Mom, Dad, and Shelley.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the past few months I haven't been devoting enough time to ya'll. I'm sorry if ya'll feel I'm putting friends over ya'll. I'm sorry for making you mad, stressed, and sad. My priorities have been skewed and it took a stern conversation with mom for me to realize that I am struggling to find my way. I want to make ya'll proud, I want to make you happy. But sometimes I feel what makes you happy isn't what makes me happy. I love the praise I get for being a talented musician. But thats it. My grades don't deserve praise, I don't keep my house as clean as shelley did, I just sit here and take ya'lls money and get spoiled. I'm sorry. I'm taking charge now. The three of ya'll have done too much for me. And I don't deserve it. Here is to this semester, may I make ya'll proud, laugh, smile, and cry (in good ways). I love you (steve too).
Em

*** I'm doing this for me, to prove that I am worthy****

2 weeks of fun

Reality checks have never gone this well.

I'm really excited about this year. No holding back. Live life to the fullest, and hope that everyone can keep up.

here is a toast that got made up these past few weeks, while having the times of my life.

Here's to you here's to me
here's to friends and family
we talk a lot and listen well
f#%* you guys and go to hell

HEHE i think its cute.

AHHH i just wanna scream sometimes- with angst

a much needed update

Hello there blog, yes. It has been a while.
I heard from a little bird that people read this and want to know whats going on in my life. So here it goes.

Chris and Dave. Put us together, we're the 3 stooges. My best friends. Words can't describe how much I love spending time with them. They're my family away from home. Rubi too. The four of us means we're getting massages. :-) We have spent a lot of time together this summer and my have we grown close. I will be meeting up with them in Midland this next weekend to work Midland Lee's Summer band camp for a week, then we're hitting the happy trail to Marble Falls for Lake Fest 2006. I'm glad some friends will get to come see it with me. Its so much fun!

Texas Tech School of Music (or College of Visual and Performing Arts) presents: The American Cancer Society Fundraising Concert is in motion. I have a huge proposal I'm working on getting approved by the Cancer Society then an actual meeting with Mr. Ballenger of the TTU school of music, and possilby the dean to the college for VPA. This is taking a huge chunk of my time. This is an idea I've had since my second cousin Donna passed away last September. So its finally getting put into motion.

I've just gotten back from an amazing family weekend in Galveston\Pearland for my cousin Angela's wedding. I had a blast. WOW. I love my family. Granted we're all dorky and quirky in our own ways, but thats what I love about them. I really realized how German\Czech our family really is this weekend. Its hilarious. We drink a lot.

Summer school is finally winding down and I can't be more thanful for that. I have a major presentation tomorrow (speech) a paper and my final on friday. So my work is cut out for me this week.

My new room-mate moves in Aug 19th. I'm really excited about that. Her name is Chrissie she marched tuba this past year, and she and i get along great. She's from austin (area) and has a double major in Hard. (AKA im not sure) LOL

Anyways, there is an update for now. I'll go more elaborate after i get my speech finished!

love
Em

I have some time

Words can not describe what sitting in a room 6 hrs a day (so far) can do to a girls mind.

I've never had this much time to think in my life. And not feel like I'm not doing anything, because I am.

So what is it you ask that I have figured out...
Well, i wouldnt say i have it figured out for sure, but lets just say that I have yet tackled another trial and tribulation (as mcginty would say) in my life. I have become very dependent lately on where I find my happiness. When in fact I should have it with me before I can find it. I guess getting caught up in good times made me feel that i could only have fun during them. So heres to fun times here. With me, regardless of what the situation is!

:-D

Dreams

D- disregards all truth
R- Ridicules Reality
E- exercises our hearts
A- Allows us to not feel guilty
M- Makes us believe in perfection
S- Shows our true selves and aspirations

Ever have those dreams that seem so real, you wake up wondering if it could have been? Dreams that weren't so far fetched that they could never happen, but yet leave you with enough belief that it could. The movie Cinderella couldn't have put it any better. " A dream is a wish your heart makes.." I had one of those last night. As wonderful as my dream was, I was in that land called perfect. (minus a few details), but then I wake up, and realize that this is nowhere near perfect. (But there is Walgreens) JK- but there is the reality that my dream wasn't and fantasy. It was just that, a dream. Dreams are the realistic ones, fantasies aren't. Why do I dream so much? Daydream, nightdream, napdream, who cares. I do them all. No matter where I'm at, my mind is somewhere else. Thats the truth. In Mexico, yes I was having a ball. But no matter where I've been, I'm looking to where I can go? Maybe? I dunno. OR I think of stupid stuff I can't control. Its like I'm not always there. I know thats gonna get a lot of laughs from my family, but im not talking about being a retard, but like my mind is tricking me into this perfect world. So in my head everything is the way it should be and everything's find. But My heart is starting to tell me no, dreaming isnt good enough anymore. I'm ready to see those dreams being brought into reality. Thus now, I'm not all there because I'm scavaging for ways to bring those dreams to reality. Every second my mind races with, How do I tell so-and-so how much they mean to me, or whats the fastest way I can save money for this trip, how can I figure out school, what could make me happiest right now, what if I dont have time to figure this out? What if what if, how, how how, who who who,when when when. I have so many questions, and I just want them answered, cause I've been looking for those answers for years now, and I'm just realizing whats making me not all there.

Wow, I think I could be my own shrink one day. I just figured stuff out by that ranting and raging.
Thank you blog

SWEET

You Are Las Vegas

Wild and uninhibited, you enjoy all of life's vices. You're a total hedonist, especially with sex, gambling, and drinking. You shine brightly every night, but you do the ultimate walk of shame each morning. Famous Las Vegas residents: Wayne Newton, Howard Hughes, Penn & Teller, Siegfried & Roy

What American City Are You?

My thankyou to God

i thanked him for the moon. and asked that it be out when i get my hammock up and running, if not id have to sleep out on my roof one night. TTU08 SuperTGirl: sounds odd. but it was shining in

the countdown begins

tminus 9 days (from tomorrow) that I'll be in in lubbock.
ah that sounds so cool! 9 days, i cant wait. best part is, my parents will be there, thats the best of both worlds i was tellin u about.

i cant wait for the colorado trip, its going to be so much fun. lots of poker :) i need a new pair of shoes
haha

later folks

geez

Sorry about that last post. I had taken out my stress on my lonely factor. Kinda dumb I know.
Anyways, I'm about to go to work, its not too bad considering its just driving two girls around Houston, so I can't complain much.

you know whats exciting! I'll be in lubbock on the 17th-19th! :( I get to come home and work for a few more days then go back to Lbk for the international conference. I'm excited about that like you couldn't believe. Don't get me wrong I love my family, but when I come home, its way different. I guess that whole not having a bed thing really wasnt fun to realize. But then I think of people who sleep on a couch when they come home, so a futon isnt so bad after all. I miss my family when I'm gone, but not when I come home. I love it when they come up there. Like I get the best of both worlds. Maybe thats why I'm in such a hurry to get back up there. I'm not sure. It's just frustrating to try to figure it out. Thats why I should just keep up my job and let June 17th get here when it does.

Well I'm off to finish getting ready. -More update later -


E-Bo

if you divide either 5 or 3 by 2 you always end up with 1

My name is Emily. I'm a permant 5th wheel when I'm home or around any family. Regardless of a big argument between the 2 said couples, i'm still the one sitting in the back of the car daydreaming wondering why I even exisit sometimes. I know thats a shitty thing to say, but I am reluctant to come home this next year w\ Shelley now moving back home. Shelley steve mom and dad. the magnificant 4. and their sidekick emily. The reason why I'm so anxious to get up to Lubbock is because, I don't have that 5th wheel syndrome when i'm up there... like, I actually have a bed &I don't get kicked out because of my future brother-in-law and stuck on a futon and a shower I can't use. In Lubbock I have these friends that are my life. They're the other 5th wheels of the world. But regardless of just being the 5th wheel I do feel beyond lonely here. I spend most of my time here online. Staring at the screen, anxious to talk to my friends. It's hard cause I love Tamara to death, but I also love many of my friends up in Lbk. I went and saw her tonight, I met her boyfriend. He's really nice and I def. approve, but then I was the 3rd wheel. I hate odd numbers.

I have always hated odd numbers. why cant it be 5 divided by one.. because no matter what country u're at. if u divide 5 or 3 by two, you will always have ONE leftover. I'm not asking\looking to make my family's #6, but I am wanting for once in a long time, to not be just sitting in the back of the car daydreaming, or wondering how many more arguments from now until the wedding, or will i be yet another cause that we have to wait an extra 10 minutes for a dinner table, or even borrowing a chair from another table. Its not some sappy oh poor me I'm single talk. It's me wanting a partner in crime, someone to just hang with to fill that 4th or 6th seat when I'm starting to daydream again. Just so I have someone to talk to. It's me saying how I don't miss it when its gone. And I cherish the times when I don't feel it.
And I'm also wondering if anyone else ever feels the same way I do?

paradise found

Mexico. Wow words cant describe, my last entry (that is now deleted) was harsh and rash, but i was just acting instinctively.
A few more days here, I have a lot of stuff I'd love to go to, but I'm not sure if we'll have enough time. There is this night lounge called Jazz Heaven. We're going to try to go Monday evening. I hope that'll be a lot of fun.
I like being in a different country. As I walk down the street and I kinda get lossed, its amazing how the culture here is so pure. Traditions and lifestyle. Two things that are important to me. A part of me just wants to go out to this lounge we were just out, by myself sip on a glass of wine and watch people. See who I meet and what kind of conversations I could get lossed in. I'm a dreamer. My sister and my mom make fun of me for it. But I just can't help it. I just love to wonder what my life could be even if it was just for one moment. One person I meet, or even I say hello to, or give a smile. Its funny how much smiles can speak. I dont speak very good Spanish but I do know that a smile can say everything you need to.
Oh well. Here's to dreaming and good wine. Maybe one day it'll be a reality.

Cha Cha

T-Minus two days until Mexico.
Today since ive been home ive been brushing up my lack of salsa dancing skills, the only thing i know is to swing my hips back and forth, who knows, maybe ill come home w\ some new skills.

There is this song by Chelo called Cha Cha, its sad how i found it, one of the last nights i was in lubbock, i was channel surfing and i saw it on telemundo, i liked it so i listened, this dude was FREAKIN gorgeous, although i have no idea what he was saying, it was fun to like and be interested in some culture.

i wanna go back to lubbock, i wanna cancel my work plans and just go up there and work. but i did have big plans already for this summer, but w\ everything going on w\ my family right now i just feel like getting in my truck and driving. for a long long time. just me and my truck. just to see where i end up.

but u know, im not going to, just gonna sit here and think about it.
oh well, a least mexico is soon to come

later

run away

Sometimes regardless of where i'm at in my life. I want to run away. Today i was sitting out on the front porch of our lakehouse, and just watched the mesquite trees blow in the wind. you know what i noticed, they're the trees that sound like the ocean. each specific branch has individual leaves on it, when the wind blows, it makes this distinct woosh sound. faint to anybody walking by, but i think if you just sit and listen, you can hear them. might sound poetic to some people but i found peace today out on the stoop (yes its a stoop). i had the feeling someone was watching me, i looked up, it was our neighbor's across the street's cat. he\she (whichever) was just sitting there staring right at me. not meowing, not moving. just staring, kinda like it knew what i was thinking or maybe it felt lonely like me (owners were gone). then the dog came around the back corner and stared at me for a while. then he ran closer but not out of their driveway and started barking at me. an old beagle, he's cute but gots the old dog bark. i would whistle a few pitches at him and he'd bark back, always in the same pitch. funny how i notice that. seems that no matter where im at, im always caught in the middle. the pets across the street and my family in the house behind me. in the house there is comotion, cooking, talking\discussing\yelling, then there is me, sometimes outside by myself, sometimes in lubbock, or sometimes in the mix of it in my own little world, like ive trained my brain to runaway when im scared. ever notice when youre scared, thats when you feel the most alone? ive been scared ever since b4 school let out. thats a long time to feel lonely. but then again, so does a lot. i know i shouldnt be complaining i love my life, i love my family, i love my friends, and most of all i love God. but sometimes i feel so lost. grasping at every inch of "figured it out" i can. when im not sure of 98% of what goes on in my life. ive been struggling lately with a lot of things. im writing a lot more now (obviously) trying to get them sorted out. but it seems that every time i get something figured out, more gets piled on for me to sort. ironic? i think so. i miss lubbock. but i have until the end of june at home. which is good, maybe its God giving me time to get this stuff sorted out. i hope so, its hard to live like this.

ps. lion king on broadway tomorrow, in san antonio. finally good music again, i miss it. i love it. i can't wait!

-wandering around-
emily